The Savage Sacktap – Sex Drugs And Acoustic Gueeeetar

Fall has fallen! Or something. Anyway, I’m kicking off the season by shaming everyone who drank a pumpkin beer or spiced latte before Labor Day, because that’s a big fuckin ‘no no’.

Then it’s onto teacher sex stories. Found a good one down in Arkansas, some comely young lass was getting cum all over her ass thanks to a group of strapping young lads who wanted to take down a teacher. Allow me to explain why it was the ultimate act of heroism and patriotism.

LISTEN: The Savage Sacktap – Sex Drugs And Acoustic Gueeeetar 

Football is back, that means locker room hazing is back too. But sometimes it goes beyond just razzin the new guys. Mike ponders the prevalance of butt stuff in modern day hazing rituals and asks, isn’t there a better way?

Then Senator Ted was Cruzin latenight porn on his Twitter account. Hear our take on the matter from a reputed masturbator.

And stick around for two creeps in the park with a grab bag full of free candy, fake dog shit, one acoustic guitar, and a poster collage of well known sexual predators. Mike is joined by Dave Monte for an afternoon of conversation, and behavior that borders on legal.

It’s all here in the latest edition of The Savage Sacktap

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Siesta Key Recap: Mr. Steal Your Girl

“In Siesta Key it’s easy to fall in love”

It’s the day after Alex’s big gala, and a heeeeeerrrreeee we go!

At this point we’re being led to believe that Madissson is actually into Brandon. I know the producers want me to buy it, but I’m just not there. She’s had college dick, and spent her teen years plus last summer bowing before the cock of the walk — Alex — who is still out there slinging it. It’s just hard to believe that she’s going to settle for a chump like Brandon who regularly wears cuffed, skinny jean shorts.

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On the Alex front, rumors continue to swirl about a tryst with Kelsey, and after their behavior at the gala it’s not hard to understand why. Garrett stormed out of the gala like “I don’t give a fuck” opening the door for Alex and Kelsey to take a late night swim.

While Brandon was busy delivering cheesedick lines like, “Now we’re here in the pool we should play some chicken or something like that.” This guy really sucks ass. Anyway, while he was on that lame ass shit in the pool, Alex was without a doubt getting ready to bathe Kelsey in his swimmers.

As the sun rises on Siesta Key, Garrett and Tanner prepare a high protein, moderate fat breakfast of eggs scrambled in coconut oil. If Tanner is Garrett’s protege, he still has a lot to learn as evidenced by his untoward request for cheese to be added to his eggs. This little shit better learn quickly that if your eggs are cooked in coconut oil, you don’t get to add cheese…not if you want to have abs for days.

Chloe once again fills out our screens and immediately takes to stirring the pot by asking Alex if he cares about Maaaaadison and Brandon. It’s hard for me to believe that Alex would give any shits about this since his stank is all over the bow queen, he’s got Juliette wrapped around his retarded little finger, cucked Brandon with Amanda, and is now setting his sights on Kelsey. Hitting a dry hole on the Madison front, Chloe moves on to Juliette. This is Chloe’s lot in life. Instead of improving herself and working to become a better person, she meddles in the affairs of others. Check yourself bitch.

As the crew approaches the beach she announces her intention to play flip cup.

“We are playing flip cup for sure!”

Perhaps instead of binge drinking and stirring shit among an already toxic social circle she should go to the gym, and read a self help book.

Garrett shocks the audience by showing up at the beach with Kelsey. It’s understandable to want to hold down a piece of ass like Kelsey, and admire his moxy, still I can’t help but think he’d be better off moving on. He’s a better person than everyone in the crew, and with abs for days should be more than capable of slaying fresh ass, especially during tourist season in Siesta Key.

Brandon and Madisssson have a heart to heart about life, engineering, and the puffy haired doufus’ musical aspirations. Brandon further infuriates viewers by once again dressing like an asshole in shorts and a tank top which both have horizantal stripes — for a model, this guy really clothes himself like absolute shit.

Juliette is conspicuosly absent from the crew’s beach outing. She’s decided to spend the day poolside with one of her lackies. In my own personal director’s cut the pair would end the day by playfully coating each other’s backs and thighs in aloe and cocoa butter, but MTV clearly lacks my artistic vision.

Back on the sands of Siesta it’s become more and more obvious that Garrett doesn’t want to be there, even the crew has noticed that he won’t fight for his girl as Kelsey drags him away for a heart to heart. She tries to rationalize her own whorish behavior at the gala but the effort seems to be falling short. As usual Pauly contributes nothing useful to the scene.

Alex leads the crew back to his house to a hottub libation and reveals plans for a trip to Bimini, which people tell me is in the Bahamas. Glasses are raised to the vacation of a lifetime, and Pauly informs us that he’ll need to postpone a court date due to a marijuana arrest. Clearly doing hard time as a juvenile was not enough to steer the bad boy of the beach away from a life of crime. It’s always sad to see the system fail at risk individuals, even when they are massive douche nozzles who wear leather strap back hats.

Fucking your way through a Siesta Key summer is a good way to build up an insatiable appetite. And there’s no better way to feed that hunger than by sitting down for some hibachi with his father and grandfather. Amid cheers of Opa! We’re again given insight into Alex’s lavish life. His grandfather advises him to simply invite Kelsey over and claim her as is. Alex’s grandfater totally fucks.

You know how I know Brandon has the weakest dick game in the entire Gulf Coast? Because his first date with Madiiiison involves bright green drinks that are best described as ‘faggoty’ couple with more piss poor, pseudo-charismatic chit chat. I’m seriously beginning to think that Brandon may be a virgin. He admits to never having had a serious girlfriend — despite modeling in New York City, as town with a 60/40 female to male ratio comprised of sex positive women who are chomping at the bit to add ‘ethnic boyfriend’ to their liberal credentials. The date ends with a kiss so bad that an open cold sore couldn’t have made it any worse.

Madison’s recent academic success prompts her father to plan a special dinner. Her dad seems like a pretty good guy. Doesn’t really bear on the recap, but it should be mentined because most of the population of Siesta Key seems to be comprised of absolute shit bags. When the time comes to dine, Kelsey, Alex, and Brandon will be on the guestlist.

Garrett is clearly sick of Kelsey’s bullshit, but has not cut the cord, and in doing so anecdotally proves a lesson we learned watching Seinfeld — that the first breakup never takes. He opts out of the Bimini trip an informs Kelsey that any hanky panky in the Bahamas will deal a death blow to their relationship.

Narcissist that she is, Kelsey defends herself telling him, “no girl would tell their boyfriend they were flirting with another guy.”

Garrett fires back immediately.

“A real girlfirend wouldn’t flirt with another guy.”

Check mate.

Kelsey cries, but alligator tears are tears too.

Time for Madison and her sister to pay a visit to mom…who appears to live her life in a constant fog of white wine, xanax, and Stevie Nicks. Something has continued to puzzle me since the flames were sparked — what in god’s name could Madddisoon see in Brandon? She’s already been with Alpha Alex, why stoop to the level of Beta Brandon?

We’re given a brief respite from this stupidity, with a turn towards the more attractive part of town. Despite her friction with the crew, Juliette is intent on joining them on their trip to Bimini. Kelsey is in the midst of a breakdown over her cockflict with Garrett and Alex.

Finally the night of the big dinner arrives.

Alex and his mother begin the night by taking a big shit on Brandon in front of the entire table. The turd takes the form of Alex’s mother fondly recalling the not so bygone days when Alex used to fuck Brandon’s date — check mate. For some reason Madison remains undeterred, and shares another terrible looking kiss with Brandon. For a man of mixed ethnic background, it’s surprising to see how little flavor Brandon has, and I’m beginning to think his dick game packs a similar punch.

As an aside, MTV keeps running ads for a show called ‘Undressed’ where people get naked in bed and ask each other ‘tough questions’ they’re teasing an episode where two twinks argue about Donald Trump. In the industry we call that appointment TV.

For a group that spends so much time boating, you’d think the fates would do us a favor and send them speeding into a reef or a sand bar one day — if not to wipe them out entirely, at least to cull the herd a bit. Chloe’s carcass alone would be enough to feed an entire school of tiger sharks, so ecologically speaking it would be an absolute mitzvah.

Anyway, our merry band of shitheads is back out on the boat, and Chloe decides to stir up some more shit.

“Look who’s not with Garrett”

Mercifully my viewing was cut short with five minutes remaining, thanks to a timely test of the Emergency Broadcast System by Verizon, sparing me further annoyance at the hands of these ass clowns.

Line Of The Episode
“We are playing flip cup for sure”

Song Of The Episode

Ocean Park Standoff – Lost Boys

 

Siesta Key Recap: Cheers To That

“…in Siesta Key every day is like living the dream…”

If you recall when we left our heroes at the end of episode 3, Chloe was receiving word from Pauly Paul that Alex had added Amanda to his kill count…or had she added him to hers? Who knows, either way the fucked, and Chloe isn’t happy.

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As Chloe confronts Alex about the hookup, it becomes clear to even the most dense among us that she’s beginning to feel left out. Alex is fucking his way through Siesta Key, but he’s ignoring Chloe like broccoli at an all you can eat buffet. To make matters worse, she’s been cucked again by the chick who busted up her face in the Uber. I’d be lying if I said that all this wasn’t giving me the warm and fuzzies. Chloe is a massive pain in the ass, and spends far too much time injecting herself into other people’s personal issues. She’s the whale of the crew, and it’s time for them to consider trimming some blubber.

But it’s Alex who manages to bring my frustration to a whole new level. The confrontation with Chloe takes place outside in the middle of the day. Alex has his sunglasses on backwards and upside down. The shades give his eyes absolutely no UV protection, and instead serve to make him look like even more of an ass-clown — a feature that is further enhanced by the fact that he is wearing a long sleeved t-shirt, during the day, in the middle of summer, in coastal Florida. It continues to befuddle me to hear about Alex smashing so much ass and I’m left to wonder if it’s simply because he has a moose cock and a copy of his father’s Viagra prescription — at this point it seems to be the only reasonable explanation.

We glean a pair of juicy nuggets from a conversation between Maddissooon and Kelsey (apparently these two are friends now? Seems like an odd combination, but for the sake of theater I’m perfectly willing to suspend disbelief). Apparently Alex has a soft side, and he’ll be putting that side to work when he hosts a gala to benefit children with autism. The episode abruptly cuts to commercial as producers usher a zamboni onto the set to clean up the puddle that has manifested itself beneath Kelsey’s chair. Bow Queen Madison appears to be completely over her former beau and invites Kelsey to the gala before inquiring about the status of her relationship with Garrett. Madisson appears stunned to find out that their love is on the rocks.

“You guys were like a fairy tale couple,” she says…and by fairy tale couple I can only assume she means, “shredded personal trainer, and new in town smokebomb who jumped into a relationship too quickly after a couple tindr dates, and aesthetically pleasing sexual encounters, only to watch it all go down in a hail of cheese, crackers, and suntanned rich dude dicks.” In spite of their relationship going up in flames, Kelsey tells Maddison that she plans to bring Garrett with her to the gala, which if I’m being perfectly honest doesn’t make an ounce of sense. Why would a guy who isn’t dating you want to go to a gala at the home of a dude who is definitely planning to bang you…he’s gotta have something better to do that night right? See a movie, get to bed early, catch up on some reading, fold laundry, knock on windows at an old folks home and expose yourself to geriatrics as they come to inspect the racket (actually that one could be a lot of fun, sometimes old people really do need to be put in their place), but any of those things sound better than going to the gala at Mr. Steal Yo Girl’s house.

We’re taken immediately to the exterior of Amanda’s house where Brandon is pulling up with business on his mind. He’s dressed like everything terrible about generation Y, a look amplified by his cuffed, skinny legged, jean shorts. I’d spend more time beating him for dressing like an asshole, but the real meat of this scene is in the interaction between Brandon and the always sexy Amanda. Brandon looks like he’s been crying for a considerable amount of time and confronts Amanda about her rendezvous with Alex. She admits it, and it’s here that Brandon accelerates his transition from Mr. Cool to Mr. Cuck (I realize it may seem like I’m overusing the word cuck in these recaps, but it has an actual practical application here. In fact a better name for this show would have been Siesta Cuck). Anyway, Brandon confesses his true feelings for Amanda and is rebuffed in the worst way possible — a cool, ‘we’re better as friends.’ For those not in the know, ‘let’s be friends’ is what chicks say when they’ve found a guy who has a tastier dick than you do. Slow down the scene enough and you might actually be able to pinpoint the exact moment that Brandon’s heart breaks and his dick shrivels.

Drive up confrontations appear to be the order of the day in Siesta Key, as Juliette pulls up to Alex’s place to put him on blast about fucking Amanda. These drive up confrontations appear to be somewhat common place among the crew which is quickly making its case as the most toxic group of people on the planet.

A frustratingly recurring theme in Siesta Key features members of the crew opening up to their parents about their love lives. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I just don’t get it. I generally don’t like to discuss that part of my life with anyone, but if I’m going to discuss things like emotions and where I want to stick my penis, and who I’m competing against for said hole, I’m probably not going to turn to mom and dad…jussssssssayin.

Anyway, Kelsey expresses frustration that Garrett — who typically beats around the bush (although I like to picture Kels as completely waxed — has been quite direct about his desire for a relationship with her. Garrett’s newfound persistence has brought a cloud of gloom over Kelsey who expresses a desire to ‘live in the moment.’ If you think it’s a bit selfish for Kelsey to burden her mother with this kind of superficial bullshit while she battles MS, you’re right, it is. But that’s what ‘live in the moment’ girls do, because as we all know ‘live in the moment’ is code for sample as many different penises in as short a time as possible.

Garrett navigates the squall that has hit his relationship the same way he navigates everything, by hitting the gym with Conor his loyal, wise, training partner who reminds Garrett not to let Kelsey bring him down — after all, it’s not all about boats, parties, and bitches, Conor and Garret are in the trenches, grinding. The pair then heads home to stick their dicks inside of a tub of Hemo Rage while watching Tony Robbins videos on YouTube.

We find Maaadison at Alex’s house reminding viewers once again that the Red Bull Vodka slugging Lothario does indeed have a big heart. She thinks he has a lot of love to give, but he says he’s keeping it for the right person. Deep in my heart of hearts I want to care, but find myself distracted beyond recovery by the realization that everyone in this show is horribly pale. I mean for fucks sake they live in coastal Florida, and it’s the summer, and all they do is hang out outside boating, fishing, and drinking. They don’t even need to try to get tan, it should just happen as a matter of course. This shit really doesn’t add up. Seriously; HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY THAT PALE. None of this makes sense.

Our next scene finds Chloe and Juliette on the beach — purportedly working on their tans, but who the fuck knows because nobody on this show has one. They also spend a little time time bitching about Alex. Juliette is well within her rights to be pissed off. She was in a pseudo summer fling with Alex when it was revealed that he banged her incredibly sexy friend Amanda. I can’t fault Alex for doing that, if you get a crack at a chick like Amanda you take it, and don’t ask any questions. She just absolutely drips sex every time she’s on screen. Still Juliette is a piece of ass and deserves her due attention as well. Chloe on the other hand needs to shut the fuck up. The deflated goiter that she calls a neck makes her last in line for the throne, and she really shouldn’t even be appearing on screen. They say the camera adds 10-lbs, well on Chloe it all landed directly beneath her chin.

As the females of the crew shop for outfits for the Gatsby themed gala, Alex finally puts his soft side on display as he makes tacos for his autistic siblings Bronson and Sarah. It’s worth noting that Bronson is a totally sweet name.

As the gals shop for gala outfits, Juliette informs Chloe and Kelsey the she and Alex are through. It’s an admission that prompts Kelsey to spill some beans of her own — Alex has invited her to go out fishing on his boat, a sure fire sign that Siesta Key’s most eligible doufous wants to hook the new girl’s red snapper.

As Juliette steps away, Kelsey confides in Chloe about the deteriorating situation on the Garrett front. Far from providing relationship saving advice, the walking goiter lays this gem upon her new found bestie.

“You’re supposed to have the time of your life in your twenties, you’re such a free spirit, you have so much life to live.”

For those of you who have never spent time around 20-something women — which if you’re one of my followers, is most of you — allow me to loosely translate.

“You should feel free to throw away a relationship with a good looking guy who cares about you because everyone you hang out with is a whore, and it will make us feel a little bit better about being whores if you’re willing to abandon your relationship to join the rest of the whores. Plus you’re in your 20s, so it’s like you have the perfect excuse. If anyone criticizes you for engaging in such reckless behavior just explain that you’re a free spirit.”

Generally speaking anytime you hear a chick use terms like ‘I want to meet new people’ or ‘I just want to go out and have fun’ or ‘I’m just doing me right now’ it means they want to go out and play the field…of dicks.

Finally, the day of the gala arrives, and viewers are informed that both Amanda and Juliette have RSVPd. Tonight the good people of Siesta Key will sup on drama stew ala Alex. It’s sure to be a gala that is not soon forgotten.

Before the party-people do their thing we’re treated to a montage of the crew donning their Gatsby best in preparation for the big night. Amanda as usual is absolutely killing it; time and time again she has proven herself to be the crew member most capable of wrecking hearts…and dicks.

As the crew gussies themselves up for the evening ahead, Chloe has the audacity to declare that Garrett looks like he would be a ‘starfish’ in bed. For the uninitated, a starfish is a person whose sexual repertoir consists solely of laying back with arms and legs spread out — giving the appearance of a starfish — and letting the other person do all the work. She utters the obtuse comment while caking herself in so much makeup that one has to wonder if she would have been better off dipping her face in a tub of Crisco instead.

Criticism of the crew aside, Alex’s party looks like it totally fucks. Moscow Mules — a personal favorite of mine — are on the menu, and there are some sick whips in the driveway.

As the festivities get underway, so too does the drama. Brandon arrives and Alex informs him that there will be ‘no hard feelings’ over the party host’s tryst with Amanda. Brandon meekly accepts and attempts to play it cool, but the blow to his ego is evident. He excuses himself from further emasculating by declaring his intention to ‘say whatsup’ to Garrett — cucks of a feather flock together.

As if Chef Alex had not already baked enough flavor into this party paellalla, Chloe takes it upon herself to inform him that Kelsey and Garrett’s relationship is on the rocks — a revelation that brings a sinister grin to our host’s face. It seems the cock of the walk will have his pick of hens tonight; a likliehood that seems all the more inevitable by a well time jump cut that finds a visibly bored Kelsey pouting next to a visibly broken Garrett. The shredded beach bro seems to finally have realized that he’s waded arm in arm into shark infested waters with a blood soaked piece of chum.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Brandon approaches Kelsey and Madddisun and offers the latter a fresh drink. Brandon — a frontrunner to sit upon the feathered throne of King Cuck — once again looks as if he’s been crying. He refers to Madison’s dress as ‘visually rewarding’ to which Kelsey immediately calls him a ‘creep’ all but solidifying his position as Captain of the Good Ship Cuckipop. Undeterred, Brandon asks Madison if he can see her more often, and offers to take him out for dinner. Always one with a bit of a heart — and an apparent soft spot for losers — Madison lets him down as softly as possible but the damage is done. Brandon has gone from suave to shit over the course of a single episode.

Finally, after much dillydallying, Amanda arrives, and she does so by shaking her ass to the delight of the band, photographers, and the millions watching at home. Necks snap as Amanda struts into the gala. She greets Alex, prompting Brandon to look on in agony.

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Brandon turns to Garrett to distract himself from his dismal failures as a man — an unfortunate circumstance made worse by the presence of his father at the gala. Perhaps in an effort to coax some small drop of testosterone into his blood stream Brandon engages Garrett in talk of weightlifting to which Garrett simply replies, “it’s just like upper chest though for real.” It has become abundantly clear that neither of these men will be leaving the premises with pussy in hand.

Amanda apologizes to Juliette, but I can’t hear a word she’s saying because her luscious tits are in the way.

My extacy is cut short as the camera pans once more to Garrett who has gone from fighting for his relationship to appearing to no longer give much of a shit. It’s a big step in gaining back a sense of self respect. If I’m him, I pound a few more drinks, full my belly at the buffet, pocket some silverware and a few pastries before hightailing it out of there without saying a word to anyone. Garrett seems like way too good of a dude to be hanging around with this group of shit bags anyway (not Amanda, she’s cool).

Garrett’s apathy is really the best thing for him at this point, as Alex has now informed Kelsey that he is single, and Kelsey appears to be primed for a ride on as much cock as possible. She congratulates Alex on his speech and it is at this moment that any doubt about her desire to bang him is removed. In fairness to Kelsey, one can hardly judge the burning in her loins, at least at the moment. Alex’s speech — which will go down in the annals of TV history as the Cheers To That Address — was so riveting that it moved his typically stoic father to tears.

Sparing himself further embarassment, Garrett blows up Kelsey’s spot and bails from the party, finally displaying a pair of balls to go with his abs.

Line Of The Episode

“Cheers to that”

Song Of The Episode

Matsubs – Kings And Queens Of Summer

The Savage Sacktap – Beach Boyz ‘Good Vibrationz’

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Redneck homicide, gay bondage gone wrong, and To Catch a Predator style stings going down in real life are all on the docket when the Beach Boyz get 2gether in the backyard for a few brews and good conversation.

LISTEN: The Beach Boyz — Good Vibrationz

Mike is joined by his brother and Savage Crew Charter Member Joey Low Squats, AKA JT The Twink.

Our favorite street slut, Miss Kim Jong Poon also stopped by for a few a sodas and good conversation. You can catch it all right here, right meow.

Weiner, Your Girlfriend…Woof

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The teenaged girl whose sexting with Anthony Weiner helped shape the 2016 election is speaking out for the first time, telling Inside Edition that she played along with their creepy exchanges — until the disgraced pol included his young son in a bare-chested selfie he sent her.

At that point, “I was disgusted,” the teen says in the exclusive interview. “That was part of the reason I came forward.” (New York Post copy here)

Well if there was any debate remaining, any final holdouts who still dreamed of seeing Carlos Danger make a return to the political arena, this has to be the final nail in the coffin. Anthony Weiner is officially no longer fit to hold public office.

It’s not because he’s a pervert — I think all of us can get behind a little bit of pervy behavior right? In this day and age pretty much every one of us is just an errant click away from tweeting a dicky, accidentally sharing our favorite pornhub clip on Facebook, or getting exposed for sexting a thicc six that we met online. Shit happens, every one of those things could easily have happened to pretty much every straight, cock swinging, red blooded American male I’ve ever met. Sydney Leathers? Sure she’s got a couple extra LBS on her, but one look at her and all but the prudest among us can tell that she’s probably down for pretty much anything, and that kind of morally casual attitude could make even the most happily married man offer to put some icing on a young gal’s cake…so far so good.

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You would, I would, we all would…

But once you’ve been busted twice, managed to make a political comeback once, and your Middle Eastern, bicurious (probably right? I mean a chick going down on her big bushed globalist mentor may not be every man’s lesbian dream come true, but beggars can’t be choosers and scissoring is still scissoring) smokeshow of a wife, stands by your side and lets you stick around, you gotta give up the game. Install a website blocker, trade in the iPhone for a flip, start jerking off to magazines instead of the internet just so you can avoid temptation, do literally anything in your power to avoid getting caught again.

But clearly Anthony Weiner for all his skill as an orator and a legislator, lacked the cognitive ability to come to this very clear conclusion.

They say hindsight is 20/20, well Anthony Weiner must be fucking blind. After being caught over and over again in the most public, and embarrassing ways possible, he went out and did it once more.

Another thing that ‘they say’ is that doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result, is the definition of insanity. So apparently Anthony Weiner is both blind AND insane. Which actually makes sense, because under no circumstances should any man — especially one living in the spotlight, under intense scrutiny, during the most heated political contest in recent memory — risk it all on an underaged, whatever the hell that thing is.

I mean what in the name of all that is holy was he thinking? This wasn’t an online liaison with the prom queen or the captain of the cheerleading squad. He wasn’t offering the nerdy but hot debate team champion a private tour of Anthony’s Weiner. No, no, no, no, no; he threw it all away on one of the homeliest looking teenage girls I’ve ever seen — her glamour shot for Inside Edition bears a vague resemblance to The Latrine from Men In Tights’ high school yearbook picture.

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As a lifelong pervert, I’m not gonna say I haven’t done worse, but as a proud American taxpayer I can say with 100 percent honesty that we can do better, we have to do better. Anthony Weiner isn’t unfit to lead because he’s a deviant — everyone in Congress is — no, he’s unfit to lead because anyone who would throw it all away on a troll like this simply can’t be trusted to pass responsible legislation.

Siesta Key Recap: Don’t Go Breaking My Heart

“…It definitely wasn’t easy being the new girl in Siesta Key…”

Well it ain’t too easy dating her either. The third installment of Siesta Key finds Chloe and Kelsey dishing the dirt on crew drama over the course of yet another producer driven drinks/coffee/lunch date. As if Garrett wasn’t ashamed enough when Kelsey mocked his anniversary picnic directly to his face during said picnic, now she’s ripping him apart over appetizers with a coworker she’s only known for a couple of weeks. Kelsey put on a strong ‘hot girl, good person’ display in episode 1 when we learned she was caring for a mother with MS, but the onion is getting peeled back and what we’re finding inside absolutely stinks.

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Chloe takes the opportunity to momentarily forget that she has a snood big enough to qualify for a presidential pardon on Thanksgiving, if only she didn’t enjoy getting stuffed so much. The muffin-topped muckraker is all too happy to bash Garrett’s admittedly lame pepperoni, cheese, and cracker picnic and note jar anniversary gift — a bit dumbfounding considering her obvious dietary preference for salted meats, processed carbs, and domestic cheese. To even the most casual observer one thing is clear — Chloe likely has a laundry basket filled to the brim with yoga pants bathed in the sulfuric parfum of daily snacking.

Chloe continues to receive talking to’s from just about everyone in her life. Over drinks with her mother — I swear to fucking god these assholes must be keeping the entire food service sector of Siesta Key afloat with the volume of disingenuous, heart-to-heart sit downs they hold inside public eateries — Chloe is reminded that her drinking, and her absentee father’s criminal history may be fueling her irrational, angry outbursts. Doing little to disprove her mother’s point, or elicit an ounce of sympathy from the audience, Chloe storms off like the self-absorbed basic bitch that she’s proven herself to be throughout the saga that is summer in Siesta Key.

We’re reminded over and over again that Alex is Chloe’s best friend, and his relative absence from her daily counselings from friends and family might seem amiss were it not for a never ending stream of drama in his own life. The dimwitted Lothario apologizes to Maddison for revealing her oral prowess to a crowd gathered at Brandon’s bon fire in episode 2. It may be completely insincere, but Alex is beginning to betray a bit of a soft side. It’s a feature furthered by a moment of vulnerability when he finds out he’s been waitlisted by the admissions office at Stetson Law School — a vital artery on the road to a life of cush nepotism at his father’s law firm. Nevertheless, chicks dig the nice guy and this may be a real clue in explaining our dimwitted anti-hero’s prowess in pounding the poon that strolls the dunes of Siesta Key. If his neanderthal brow is any indicator, Alex may also be hung like a caveman — a trait highly sought after by the female of the species.

When you roll with a crew of heavy hitters, you don’t just party you partaaaaayyyyyyy. Episodes 1 and 2 focused on booze fueled social gatherings — Alex’s party, and Brandon’s bon fire respectively — and episode 3 is no different. This week the crew is taking to the high seas in Alex’s boat. I find myself immediately irked by Brandon’s use of the term beer pong to describe a game in which ping pong balls are thrown into a cup. This game is known as Beirut, and will always be known as Beirut because beer pong is played with a fucking paddle, and Beirut is called Beirut because the balls are bombing the cups, much like the bombs bursting in the city of Beirut. Aright, that’s it, it’s settled. And I don’t care if this is a petty thing for a 32-year-old man to care about; that shithead was wrong, everyone who calls it beer pong is wrong, and it is incumbent upon me to point that out.

My fury is soothed at the sight of Amanda’s plentiful posterior in a bikini. Eighteenth century British playwright William Congreve once wrote, “music hath charms to sooth the savage breast,” The Offspring reminded us that it could work on the savage BEAST as well, but it seems neither has laid eyes upon Amanda’s tush — a rump so soothing that an equally sized mound of Xanax could still not compete. She opens up to Alex about Chloe, and the boorish goon once again gives us a glimpse of his softer side; is the caveman really the caring man? Perhaps.

Garrett is making what we can call a good faith effort to hold onto Kelsey, but the wheels are quickly falling off the bus. Despite planting a very visible kiss on his beloved during the boat party, it’s becoming more and more apparent that this relationship is going to need a life preserver to keep from going under. Garrett is in over his head, and he’s beginning to realize it — a sentiment that’s put on display during a dog walk among the hanging moss with his lookalike younger brother.

Beyond his public display of affection, Garrett does little to shake his fast growing reputation as the crew’s cuck. From just feet away he watches as Alex gives Kelsey a hands on lesson in seamanship — and it’s beginning to appear that if he sets the right coordinates, our oceanfaring oaf my soon be giving her a lesson in semen-ship as well. For his part Garrett does confront Kelsey about her trampish boat behavior in a painfully uncomfortable conversation after a day of paddle boarding. From the looks of it though, it’s likely too little too late. The trust between Garrett and Kelsey has been broken beyond repair. Once that happens a cycle of growing anxiety and distrust ensues until it bursts into a supernova of booze, treachery, and a new lover’s steaming genitals. I’m not a man who likes to admit defeat, but Garrett’s only logical move in this situation is to make a tactical withdrawal, get back on Tindr, and spend the rest of the summer letting thrill seeking vacationers ride his manhood like a mechanical bull. Heartbreak is quickly healed by new pussy, it’s a lesson every man will someday learn, but the process is still a painful one. If anything about this mismatched, but asthetically pleasing pair infuriates me, it’s their use of the L-bomb after only 6 months of courtship. That just really isn’t normal, it’s actually completely fucking nuts. It took my woman and I over a year-and-a-half to use that word, and we actually do love each other. Get a life nerds.

With spurned lovers in mind, we’d be remiss if we didn’t give Madisson her due. Plain Jane has an interview with an engineering firm that she for some reason decides to bring MTV’s cameras to. It’s a bold strategy to bring a camera crew to an interview for a job that you are admittedly underqualified for. Still, after years of delighting in roadside wrecks on the Garden State Parkway I’m compelled to rubberneck and look on with a sort of shameful glee as she faces the blunt rejection that is so ubiquitous in the adult world. Welcome to the NFL rookie. A seasoned veteran might have made the cameras leave, and put her bow queen skills to use, unfortunately Madisoon is still wet behind the ears and it’s becoming painfully clear that she’s a long shot to make Alex’s gameday roster. She reflects on the interview during a stroll on the beach with her former beau, and he spills his guts about his scholarly short-comings, but even the blind can see that right now it’s just not meant to be — Alex Ahab has his sights set on a white whale.

Juliette has been conspicuously absent throughout much of the episode, and we later learn that she’s been lounging at home in a percoset fog after having a wisdom tooth pulled. With so many competitors vying for Alex, this is the wrong time for Juliette to be on the DL, but she seems far more concerned with patching things up between Chloe and Amanda — even offering to be mediator during a public reconciliation.

The sit down begins with Chloe grossing out the entire planet by crying as she reveals that she has an upset stomach. From Amanda we get the opposite side of the coin — an ice queen’s smile at the very mention of Chloe’s broken nose. The friends part ways after telling each other that they love each, though one can’t help but sense a more sinister motive on Amanda’s part. That suspicion is confirmed during a later meeting between Pauly Paul — who wears a gold bracelet around his hairy ass arm as though he’s some sort of a big shot, seriously dude, you used to cry yourself to sleep in juvie, you don’t get to act like a gangster badass, you give up that right the second you start crying in fucking juvie. Anyway, the wannabe middle-aged Persian man reveals to Chloe that Amanda has engaged in intercourse with Alex — a piece of information about which the Hungry Hungry Hippo is less than pleased.

And with that we are left dangling by our fingertips from the sandy cliff that is Siesta Key. Kelsey has clearly chummed the waters, and Alex is beginning to smell blood, if Garrett doesn’t do something soon he’ll be swimming off with the blonde haired beach babe clenched in his jaws. My heart hasn’t been shattered yet, but you better believe I’ll be investing in some Gorilla Glue in anticipation of putting the pieces back together after episode 4.

Line Of The Episode:

“I know you don’t know Alex very well, but he’s definitely known in this town as a player.”

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Song Of The Episode:

Little Mix – Power

 

 

The Savage Sacktap – Total Eclipse Of My Ass

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The eclipse and Charlottesville, the eclipse and Charlottesville, that’s all I heard about all goddamn week, so let’s talk about it.

After profanity laced intro, I kicked back, relaxed and pushed play on the audio from last week’s Booze And News.

LISTEN — The Savage Sacktap: Total Eclipse Of My Ass

Peep this episode of the Savage Sacktap and hear me bitch about:

– An awful train ride

– Feeding unwanted children to the homeless

– Taking your kid to a baseball game the right way

– The wild scene in Charlottesville

– And getting paid $1-million to bang your teacher.