Wait A Minute, I Thought All Male Disney Characters Were Already Gay…

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I hate to break it to you guys, but Beauty And The Beast was already pretty fucking gay…

From the Time article

Spoiler alert: the upcoming live-action Beauty and the Beast will feature Disney’s first-ever openly gay character.

Director Bill Condon told Attitude that the character LeFou, played by Josh Gad, will get an important subplot in the film that touches on sexuality and involves villain Gaston.

“LeFou is somebody who on one day wants to be Gaston and on another day wants to kiss Gaston,” Condon said. “Josh makes something really subtle and delicious out of it. And that’s what has its payoff at the end, which I don’t want to give away. But it is a nice, exclusively gay moment in a Disney movie.”

It’s a movie about a grown man who lives alone in a lavishly decorated mansion, joined only by a candelabra and a cabal of tea cups that spontaneously break out into song…am I wrong for assuming the entire cast was always gay?

I don’t want to come off as homophobic, I’m just saying there aren’t a lot of straight men who own palatial homes that feature ballroom dance floors. For fucks sake, the beast was keeping an old man chained up in his built-in S&M dungeon -– tell me this hairy bastard isn’t 50 shades of gay, you can’t!

And let’s not forget Gaston. His outfit says Castro District Pride Parade, and his beefy pecs covered in brillowy chest hair just scream ‘I’m a big burly bear in search of a tight hole, let’s polish off these mojitos and head back to my place for some Greco Roman wrestling.’

But it’s not just Beauty and The Beast, I gotta assume that every leading man in Disney’s filmography is playing for the other team.

I mean really is it that much of a stretch to believe that Aladdin went through a dry spell and spent a night of passion with Abu, contracted AIDS, and then spread it throughout the rest of the Middle East a week later on Man Love Friday? The vest and the fez alone are enough to convince me beyond a reasonable doubt that this guy is a ‘Grade A’ snake charmer.

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“Look Al, I’m not really sure how to tell you this, so I’m just gonna say it; you should get tested, like ASAP!”

And Eric from The Little Mermaid? All of the creatures in the sea rise up and sing him a song so he’ll finally have the balls to make a move Ariel and this cuck still decides to wait until marriage? Guys rich enough to hold a lavish wedding on a ship and he wasn’t going around hammering pussy left and right? Something here just doesn’t add up, and I have a sneaking suspicion that he might be more interested in Ahab’s harpoon than Ariel’s pearl, but that’s just me.

We could go on and on and on with this shit people. How bout the prince from Cinderella? Dude throws a banger that every chick in the kingdom intends for the sole purpose of riding his royal dick and he decides to go chase down some prude who won’t give it up, because he likes her taste in shoes…surprised the magic slipper wasn’t a magic loafer left behind by a cock craving Cinder-Fella.

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