OJ Simpson Finds Out The Hard Way That Jerking Off In Jail Is A Big No-No

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OJ Simpson could be denied parole after he was caught pleasuring himself in his cell –  strictly verboten in federal prisons in the U.S. – a prison source has told Dailymail.com.

‘OJ is facing a disciplinary hearing after being written up for masturbating in his prison cell,’ said the source. ‘He was caught by a female corrections officer making her normal rounds in late June.’ Full Article

If I’m the Juice then I gotta go with the ol’ ignorance plea on this one. Who the fuck knew you weren’t allowed to masturbate in the privacy of your own prison cell. I was always under the impression that your cell was sort of like a hotel room; do whatever weird shit you want within the confines of the box, just keep it out of the common areas. If a guard happens upon you mid-stroke, they just turn their heads and walk the other way, like when you catch your dog tonguing away at his own nutsack — see no evil, stroke no evil, and such.

I know there isn’t a lot of love out there for the Juice, but as a proud masturbator and patriot this one just cuts deeper. Beyond it just being a politeness issue, it seems like an absolute violation of the 8th amendment’s protection against cruel and unusual punishment.

8th amendment

Frankly, I’d like to see a little bit more activism surrounding this shocking abuse of Mr. Simpson’s civil liberties. Whenever some guy who killed two people while robbing a liquor store is about to get lethal injection, the demonstrators can’t get to the prison soon enough. Well where the fuck are the protests for OJ? Look at Maslow’s hierarchy of human needs – sex is right there with eating and breathing. If Juice was being deprived of air or food, you can be damn sure there would be a mob of people outside holding a hunger strike or a die-in.

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I for one, plan to masturbate multiple times a day until this horrible wrong is righted. If that means pummeling my cock around the clock for a decade, I’ll do it – solidarity is important. But I’m just one man, I only have one dick, and one ball sack which only holds so much sperm, and that’s why I’m calling on the ACLU to organize a rally in support of an inmate’s right to self-stimulate.  I want to see dicket lines of proud masturbators outside of every prison in the country, ookie cookie circles and stroke-ins across the street from every jail. No Jerk Off, No Peace! No Jerk Off, No Peace! We the people, will not rest until we may whack our peckers without fear of persecution.

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