“…the island is small, and our crew is tight. The kids here are wild, there’s a lot of money, and even more drama…”

Happy summer boys and girls, and welcome to Siesta Key. We’re already a little behind, as the season has hit episode three, so it’s time to play catch-up.

Siesta Key revolves around the booze fueled shenanigans of Alex — who may be retarded — and his attractive, but curiously kinda ugly friends. Somehow Alex has managed to establish himself as the alpha male of this group, and I’m really not sure how. What he lacks in charisma, he makes up for with his father’s money, but the buck pretty much stops there. By the time he pulled up in his boat at the Sneaky Tiki and ordered a ‘vodka red bull’ I was ready to bash his face in with an anchor — he really is too fucking dumb to even function and I cannot stand people who call it a vodka red bull. Just call it a red bull and vodka like everybody else, what are you some kind of special party boy? “Yooooo bro vodka red bull is my drink…” Shut the fuck up! Anyway, I think everyone just kisses his ass because his parents have a sweet house and he throws bangers, make sense I guess, but still he can eat a dick.

We find out early in the episode that last summer Alex was involved a love triangle with Juliette and his ex-girlfriend Madison. My initial instinct is to feel bad for Madison. She seems to be one of the only characters in this show who isn’t a complete fuckwad, and may have some redeeming characteristics. She has a strong girl next door vibe about her, wanting nothing more than to date Alex and feel 16 again — like Taylor Swift, but not as cunty. Madison’s external innocence makes me worry that she’s going to get burned by Alex, but her back story seems to indicate that she totally cucked his current fling Juliette last summer, so she may be more adept at playing this game than I’m led to believe.

Juliette appears hell bent on marking her territory with Alex early on. They go on a date and share a kiss on the dock, before the cameras cut away to her and her friends trying on outfits for Alex’s birthday pool party. She settles on a tiny thong swimsuit that presents to the audience an ass you could dine on. It’s not the only prize posterior in the series, but at a minimum it should be enough to remind Alex not to stray too far. We don’t get too much of a look at what Madison brings to the table physically, but if Alex’s effort in episode 1 is any indication of what we’ll be seeing this summer in the key, then Madison better come correct.

If Siesta Key is supposed to be Laguna Beach meets Jersey Shore, then Alex and Chloe’s friendship will provide us with the pseudo deep conversations, and full of shit heartfelt moments that made Laguna legendary. Chloe is the fraulein at the front of the female pack on Siesta Key, and is Alex’s best friend — although they apparently have never hooked up. It’s somewhat disconcerting that she holds such high status within the group, because Chloe is a ‘last call 7’ on her best day, and is infatuated with millennial uber-douche Brandon.

We’re first introduced to Brandon at the tiki bar where he flirts with Chloe by giving her ‘sexy looks’ and asking her to tie a cherry stem with her tongue. It seems like an excessive amount of effort to bang a chick with such a glaring fat girl neck, and I soon want to bash him the face with the same anchor I’d have used on Alex. But my true contempt for Brandon surfaces when he goes to lunch with his mother. After talking about his hip haircut — he loosely resembles Spanish from Old School — he interrupts the conversation to photograph his appetizer. The subject then turns to his love life (as an aside, it really weirds me out when people discuss their relationships with their parents…seriously, who the fuck does that, “hey mom, I met a girl who I’d really like to stick my erect penis inside, let me tell ya all about her…” get fucked bro, seriously). Early indications hinted at a summertime fling with Chloe, but we learn at lunch that he’s also been talking to Amanda who possess what can only be described as an exquisite ass. We don’t get much insight into Amanda’s personality, but she competes in bikini contests and really looks like she knows her way around a set of testicles. Chloe is gonna have her work cut out for her if she wants to compete for Brandon’s affections, however worthless those may be.

Teaming up with Chloe behind the tiki bar is newcomer Kelsey. Kelsey is a certified dime. She models internationally, and has just moved back to Siesta Key to take care of her mother who suffers from MS. While hanging out on the beach with her absolutely shredded boyfriend Garrett, Kelsey announces her plans to “meet people, and venture out,” this summer. If that doesn’t leave Garrett shaken, her excitement and eagerness to be accepted by Alex, Chloe and company should. Not long after the couple enter Alex’s pool party, she leaves him by himself to mingle awkwardly with former classmates that he never truly bonded with back in the day. It could forshadow bad things to come for the cover model couple. Frank Sinatra once said, “A lady never leaves her escort, it isn’t fair, it isn’t nice, a lady never wanders all over the room, and blows on some other guy’s dice…” If Garrett isn’t careful his lady will be blowing on a lot more than dice. Kelsey’s looks also appear to pose a threat to Juliette at the party who reaches across Alex for an introduction and stumbles through a disingenuous compliment of the new girl’s swimsuit.

For as ripped as Garrett is, keeping Kelsey’s attention will be a tall order. She’s been immersed in a world of spoiled douche bags with enough free time to match their disposable income. Garrett’s a nice guy, and very hard working, but his reassurance that Kelsey’s summer gig at the tiki bar, and plans to party with the crew are “a great idea” betray a naivete that could come back to bite him in the ass. Beta characteristics aside he’s also the only dude on the show who isn’t a complete douche nozzle, and for that reason I am rooting for him.

I’ve already expressed my desire to see physical harm come to two members of the cast, and you can add Pauly Paul to the list. I don’t know if it’s his backwards leather cap, I don’t know if it’s his dad bod, I don’t know if it’s his general personality, I don’t know what it is, but something makes me want to shoot this guy in the nads with a paintball gun. If that wasn’t enough, then his rap performance at Alex’s birthday party should be plenty to convince viewers that Pauly Paul is every bit the fuckboy.

With the conclusion of Alex’s party comes the conclusion of episode 1. Our heroes drive off into the night, with battle lines for summer love and summer drama drawn firmly in the sand and a text message from Chloe to Alex setting the tone for things to come. It’s gonna be a wild summer in Siesta Key boys and girls so hold onto your hats…and your hearts.

Line Of The Episode

“…Kelsey and Garrett looked like the perfect couple, but nothing is ever as perfect as it seems…”

Song Of The Episode

Carly Rae Jepsen – Cut To The Feeling