“…the summer had just begun in Siesta Key and there was already so much drama…”

They say Helen of Troy had a face that could launch a thousand ships, well apparently Brandon has a dick that could launch a thousand fists. When the bell rings to start episode two, we find out that Chloe has already caught a beating.

As Chloe tells it; Amanda lost it in the Uber on the way home from Alex’s birthday party — the end result of the flurry of lefts and rights was a nasty broken nose, and 24 hours after the alleged assault Amanda has yet to reach out to her best frienemy to offer an apology. To take Chloe’s story at face value might be a mistake. She finds herself on the receiving end of a stern talking to from former juvenile delinquent Pauly Paul. Throughout the lecture, the fuckboy douche recalls his time in ‘juvie’ complete with nights crying himself to sleep in his cell — presumably with grape jelly and man ass on his breath.

While she insists the fight was Amanda’s fault, Pauly seems to believe that Chloe’s anger issues may have played a role in kickstarting the cold-cocking. One does have to question Pauly Paul’s judgement though; when Chloe angrily declines an invitation to a party at Brandon’s house he insists that she attend — presumably to get intoxicated, in the vicinity of a large bon fire, alongside her volatile peer group, with whom her most recent encounter ended in an act of violence that required reconstructive surgery.

For her part, Amanda doesn’t appear too remorseful.

Juliette: “I just got a picture of Chloe with her face all fucked up.”

Amanda: “Ooops.”

Amanda’s flippant attitude towards Chloe’s facial fracture may stem from her claim that Chloe started the fight by shoving her and kicking her in the chest. Unlike the visibly vanquished Chloe, Amanda has little time to spare on the topic and turns her focus to her intensifying fling with Brandon, and a bikini contest that finds her standing in the winner’s circle — here the old adage is proven ‘to the victor go the spoils.’ It goes without saying that Amanda’s performance in the bikini contest proved to be a delight for those in attendance and those viewing at home. Her bad girl attitude is the perfect garnish to a body that could make a Brazzers producer’s dreams come true. That combo of ‘tude and tight ass butt cheeks makes it all the more confusing to see her so enamored with Brandon. The guy is just a total fuckin tool — I’m pretty sure I caught him wearing cuffed jean shorts in one scene, and if his ill advised wardrobe choices weren’t enough, he holds back on a perfectly good opportunity to bone Amanda while the two are hanging out on his dock…what a pussy.

Juliette is enjoying a tenuous victory in the battle for Alex’s affections. It remains unclear what women find so appealing about Alex. Money would be the obvious answer, but in a town as affluent as Siesta Key, that doesn’t seem to be enough to set him apart. His personality lacks any depth at all, and I was legitimately stunned to find out that he performed well enough on the LSATs to anticipate an acceptance to law school. Whatever the case may be Juliette has done her best to mark her territory, and wages a subtle propaganda war against Madison by diminishing and dismissing her rival any time her name is brought up — this is bitch craft at its finest.

Madison has turned out to be more than meets the eye. For some bizarre reason that never really gets flushed out, she has lunch with Kelsey. Seriously, who the fuck shoe horned that into the plot? Under what circumstances would two people who don’t really know each other, but kinda crossed paths on the periphery of the same social group, at some guy’s birthday party, decide to get lunch together? That doesn’t make sense…at all…I’m actually getting angry writing this, because it was such a stupid scene, I mean for fucks sake, I rarely even get together for lunch with my closest friends, people have shit to do, we don’t have time for leisurely lunches with casual acquaintances. Anyway, Madison may give Juliette more of a run for Alex’s nuts than I initially believed. During lunch with Kelsey she won’t shut up about Alex, and coyly remarks that the group finds a way of pulling you into their drama.

Truth be told it doesn’t so much seem that Madison is being pulled into the drama as she is diving in head first. She wakes Alex up with a call to grab coffee and take a trip back to her childhood home — the place where the pair presumably engaged in any number of awkward, fumbling teen sexual encounters. They don’t wind up consummating the morning, but Alex’s willingness to repeatedly see Madison behind Juliette’s back is evidence that he may be taking a trip down memory lane before the summer ends.

We’re reminded over and over again by narrators, the crew, and the plot that Alex swims in pussy, and over and over again, I must explain that this doesn’t make an ounce of fucking sense whatsoever. This motherfucker’s game is so shitty I’ve had to mention it twice in this blog, but for some bizarre reason it tends to work. Take this brilliant line that he drops on Kelsey as she pours him a beer, “you know what I like.” Of course she knows what you like fuckstick, she’s a bartender and you just ordered a beer, that’s how it works — you tell her what you like, she goes and gets it. Unless it’s Helen Keller slingin suds back there the bartender will know what you like because it is an inevitable conclusion to the drink ordering process. Shitty game aside, we’re led to believe that his flirtations with Kelsey are escalating.

I can’t be positive, but I don’t think Kelsey is into Alex. I can’t put my finger on why, but it just seems like she doesn’t take him seriously. Don’t get me wrong, she’s totally loaded for bear, and I’m sure the right guy could cuck Garrett all over the field, but I don’t think it will be Alex. For as beefy as Garrett looks, he’s actually got some incredibly beta tendencies to use the parlance of internet pick up artist forums. His picnic dinner for the couple’s 6 month anniversary falls incredibly flat. It was a valiant effort, but pepperoni, American cheese, and crackers paired with bottles of wine that you can’t open because you forgot the opener isn’t exactly a panty soaking menu. A girl next door type like Madison might appreciate the effort, but Kelsey modeled in Milan — fellas take note, AA curveballs won’t fool big league hitters. He follows it up with a bizarre gift choice; a jar filled with 365 things that he likes about Kelsey. I realize he’s a thoughtful guy, but this goes too far. It shows the kind of obsession that says, “I wanna wear your face as a mask while I drive your car around town with your body in the trunk.” So he gets an A for effort, but a D for execution, when you’re dating a girl with an Ivy League pussy that kind of GPA will get you put on the waitlist real quick.

As sun sets on the second installment of Siesta Key, the crew has a bonfire at Brandon’s house. Both Madison and Juliette are in attendance which adds a palpable level of discomfort to the evening’s proceedings. It’s a pot Kelsey is happy to stir, as she asks Alex, “So if you had to give a smore to one girl tonight, who would it be?” It’s likely to be a question we’re left asking ad nauseum this summer, to a mixed bag of replies. Tonight, however, the honor is Madison’s (do you Alex, but if I had my druthers I’d much rather melt the ole marshmallow on Amanda, especially after the display she put on in the bikini contest). The thrill of her prize is short-lived unfortunately, as Alex regales party guests with tales of Madison’s oral prowess. Was it a subtle warning to Juliette that she needs to step up her game, a message to Madison that Alex has her on his radar, or just a bit of boozed up bravado? Smart money says the answer is ‘C’, but a sprinkling of ‘A’ and ‘B’ wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility.

The bonfire may be a pile of smoldering ashes now, but summer in Siesta Key is just starting to heat up. Stay tuned, and watch your back because right now in The Key, you can’t trust anybody.

Line Of The Episode

“So if you had to give a smore to one girl tonight, who would it be?”

Song Of The Episode

Nova Rockafeller – Problem