“…in Siesta Key every day is like living the dream…”

If you recall when we left our heroes at the end of episode 3, Chloe was receiving word from Pauly Paul that Alex had added Amanda to his kill count…or had she added him to hers? Who knows, either way the fucked, and Chloe isn’t happy.

As Chloe confronts Alex about the hookup, it becomes clear to even the most dense among us that she’s beginning to feel left out. Alex is fucking his way through Siesta Key, but he’s ignoring Chloe like broccoli at an all you can eat buffet. To make matters worse, she’s been cucked again by the chick who busted up her face in the Uber. I’d be lying if I said that all this wasn’t giving me the warm and fuzzies. Chloe is a massive pain in the ass, and spends far too much time injecting herself into other people’s personal issues. She’s the whale of the crew, and it’s time for them to consider trimming some blubber.

But it’s Alex who manages to bring my frustration to a whole new level. The confrontation with Chloe takes place outside in the middle of the day. Alex has his sunglasses on backwards and upside down. The shades give his eyes absolutely no UV protection, and instead serve to make him look like even more of an ass-clown — a feature that is further enhanced by the fact that he is wearing a long sleeved t-shirt, during the day, in the middle of summer, in coastal Florida. It continues to befuddle me to hear about Alex smashing so much ass and I’m left to wonder if it’s simply because he has a moose cock and a copy of his father’s Viagra prescription — at this point it seems to be the only reasonable explanation.

We glean a pair of juicy nuggets from a conversation between Maddissooon and Kelsey (apparently these two are friends now? Seems like an odd combination, but for the sake of theater I’m perfectly willing to suspend disbelief). Apparently Alex has a soft side, and he’ll be putting that side to work when he hosts a gala to benefit children with autism. The episode abruptly cuts to commercial as producers usher a zamboni onto the set to clean up the puddle that has manifested itself beneath Kelsey’s chair. Bow Queen Madison appears to be completely over her former beau and invites Kelsey to the gala before inquiring about the status of her relationship with Garrett. Madisson appears stunned to find out that their love is on the rocks.

“You guys were like a fairy tale couple,” she says…and by fairy tale couple I can only assume she means, “shredded personal trainer, and new in town smokebomb who jumped into a relationship too quickly after a couple tindr dates, and aesthetically pleasing sexual encounters, only to watch it all go down in a hail of cheese, crackers, and suntanned rich dude dicks.” In spite of their relationship going up in flames, Kelsey tells Maddison that she plans to bring Garrett with her to the gala, which if I’m being perfectly honest doesn’t make an ounce of sense. Why would a guy who isn’t dating you want to go to a gala at the home of a dude who is definitely planning to bang you…he’s gotta have something better to do that night right? See a movie, get to bed early, catch up on some reading, fold laundry, knock on windows at an old folks home and expose yourself to geriatrics as they come to inspect the racket (actually that one could be a lot of fun, sometimes old people really do need to be put in their place), but any of those things sound better than going to the gala at Mr. Steal Yo Girl’s house.

We’re taken immediately to the exterior of Amanda’s house where Brandon is pulling up with business on his mind. He’s dressed like everything terrible about generation Y, a look amplified by his cuffed, skinny legged, jean shorts. I’d spend more time beating him for dressing like an asshole, but the real meat of this scene is in the interaction between Brandon and the always sexy Amanda. Brandon looks like he’s been crying for a considerable amount of time and confronts Amanda about her rendezvous with Alex. She admits it, and it’s here that Brandon accelerates his transition from Mr. Cool to Mr. Cuck (I realize it may seem like I’m overusing the word cuck in these recaps, but it has an actual practical application here. In fact a better name for this show would have been Siesta Cuck). Anyway, Brandon confesses his true feelings for Amanda and is rebuffed in the worst way possible — a cool, ‘we’re better as friends.’ For those not in the know, ‘let’s be friends’ is what chicks say when they’ve found a guy who has a tastier dick than you do. Slow down the scene enough and you might actually be able to pinpoint the exact moment that Brandon’s heart breaks and his dick shrivels.

Drive up confrontations appear to be the order of the day in Siesta Key, as Juliette pulls up to Alex’s place to put him on blast about fucking Amanda. These drive up confrontations appear to be somewhat common place among the crew which is quickly making its case as the most toxic group of people on the planet.

A frustratingly recurring theme in Siesta Key features members of the crew opening up to their parents about their love lives. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I just don’t get it. I generally don’t like to discuss that part of my life with anyone, but if I’m going to discuss things like emotions and where I want to stick my penis, and who I’m competing against for said hole, I’m probably not going to turn to mom and dad…jussssssssayin.

Anyway, Kelsey expresses frustration that Garrett — who typically beats around the bush (although I like to picture Kels as completely waxed — has been quite direct about his desire for a relationship with her. Garrett’s newfound persistence has brought a cloud of gloom over Kelsey who expresses a desire to ‘live in the moment.’ If you think it’s a bit selfish for Kelsey to burden her mother with this kind of superficial bullshit while she battles MS, you’re right, it is. But that’s what ‘live in the moment’ girls do, because as we all know ‘live in the moment’ is code for sample as many different penises in as short a time as possible.

Garrett navigates the squall that has hit his relationship the same way he navigates everything, by hitting the gym with Conor his loyal, wise, training partner who reminds Garrett not to let Kelsey bring him down — after all, it’s not all about boats, parties, and bitches, Conor and Garret are in the trenches, grinding. The pair then heads home to stick their dicks inside of a tub of Hemo Rage while watching Tony Robbins videos on YouTube.

We find Maaadison at Alex’s house reminding viewers once again that the Red Bull Vodka slugging Lothario does indeed have a big heart. She thinks he has a lot of love to give, but he says he’s keeping it for the right person. Deep in my heart of hearts I want to care, but find myself distracted beyond recovery by the realization that everyone in this show is horribly pale. I mean for fucks sake they live in coastal Florida, and it’s the summer, and all they do is hang out outside boating, fishing, and drinking. They don’t even need to try to get tan, it should just happen as a matter of course. This shit really doesn’t add up. Seriously; HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY THAT PALE. None of this makes sense.

Our next scene finds Chloe and Juliette on the beach — purportedly working on their tans, but who the fuck knows because nobody on this show has one. They also spend a little time time bitching about Alex. Juliette is well within her rights to be pissed off. She was in a pseudo summer fling with Alex when it was revealed that he banged her incredibly sexy friend Amanda. I can’t fault Alex for doing that, if you get a crack at a chick like Amanda you take it, and don’t ask any questions. She just absolutely drips sex every time she’s on screen. Still Juliette is a piece of ass and deserves her due attention as well. Chloe on the other hand needs to shut the fuck up. The deflated goiter that she calls a neck makes her last in line for the throne, and she really shouldn’t even be appearing on screen. They say the camera adds 10-lbs, well on Chloe it all landed directly beneath her chin.

As the females of the crew shop for outfits for the Gatsby themed gala, Alex finally puts his soft side on display as he makes tacos for his autistic siblings Bronson and Sarah. It’s worth noting that Bronson is a totally sweet name.

As the gals shop for gala outfits, Juliette informs Chloe and Kelsey the she and Alex are through. It’s an admission that prompts Kelsey to spill some beans of her own — Alex has invited her to go out fishing on his boat, a sure fire sign that Siesta Key’s most eligible doufous wants to hook the new girl’s red snapper.

As Juliette steps away, Kelsey confides in Chloe about the deteriorating situation on the Garrett front. Far from providing relationship saving advice, the walking goiter lays this gem upon her new found bestie.

“You’re supposed to have the time of your life in your twenties, you’re such a free spirit, you have so much life to live.”

For those of you who have never spent time around 20-something women — which if you’re one of my followers, is most of you — allow me to loosely translate.

“You should feel free to throw away a relationship with a good looking guy who cares about you because everyone you hang out with is a whore, and it will make us feel a little bit better about being whores if you’re willing to abandon your relationship to join the rest of the whores. Plus you’re in your 20s, so it’s like you have the perfect excuse. If anyone criticizes you for engaging in such reckless behavior just explain that you’re a free spirit.”

Generally speaking anytime you hear a chick use terms like ‘I want to meet new people’ or ‘I just want to go out and have fun’ or ‘I’m just doing me right now’ it means they want to go out and play the field…of dicks.

Finally, the day of the gala arrives, and viewers are informed that both Amanda and Juliette have RSVPd. Tonight the good people of Siesta Key will sup on drama stew ala Alex. It’s sure to be a gala that is not soon forgotten.

Before the party-people do their thing we’re treated to a montage of the crew donning their Gatsby best in preparation for the big night. Amanda as usual is absolutely killing it; time and time again she has proven herself to be the crew member most capable of wrecking hearts…and dicks.

As the crew gussies themselves up for the evening ahead, Chloe has the audacity to declare that Garrett looks like he would be a ‘starfish’ in bed. For the uninitated, a starfish is a person whose sexual repertoir consists solely of laying back with arms and legs spread out — giving the appearance of a starfish — and letting the other person do all the work. She utters the obtuse comment while caking herself in so much makeup that one has to wonder if she would have been better off dipping her face in a tub of Crisco instead.

Criticism of the crew aside, Alex’s party looks like it totally fucks. Moscow Mules — a personal favorite of mine — are on the menu, and there are some sick whips in the driveway.

As the festivities get underway, so too does the drama. Brandon arrives and Alex informs him that there will be ‘no hard feelings’ over the party host’s tryst with Amanda. Brandon meekly accepts and attempts to play it cool, but the blow to his ego is evident. He excuses himself from further emasculating by declaring his intention to ‘say whatsup’ to Garrett — cucks of a feather flock together.

As if Chef Alex had not already baked enough flavor into this party paellalla, Chloe takes it upon herself to inform him that Kelsey and Garrett’s relationship is on the rocks — a revelation that brings a sinister grin to our host’s face. It seems the cock of the walk will have his pick of hens tonight; a likliehood that seems all the more inevitable by a well time jump cut that finds a visibly bored Kelsey pouting next to a visibly broken Garrett. The shredded beach bro seems to finally have realized that he’s waded arm in arm into shark infested waters with a blood soaked piece of chum.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Brandon approaches Kelsey and Madddisun and offers the latter a fresh drink. Brandon — a frontrunner to sit upon the feathered throne of King Cuck — once again looks as if he’s been crying. He refers to Madison’s dress as ‘visually rewarding’ to which Kelsey immediately calls him a ‘creep’ all but solidifying his position as Captain of the Good Ship Cuckipop. Undeterred, Brandon asks Madison if he can see her more often, and offers to take him out for dinner. Always one with a bit of a heart — and an apparent soft spot for losers — Madison lets him down as softly as possible but the damage is done. Brandon has gone from suave to shit over the course of a single episode.

Finally, after much dillydallying, Amanda arrives, and she does so by shaking her ass to the delight of the band, photographers, and the millions watching at home. Necks snap as Amanda struts into the gala. She greets Alex, prompting Brandon to look on in agony.

Brandon turns to Garrett to distract himself from his dismal failures as a man — an unfortunate circumstance made worse by the presence of his father at the gala. Perhaps in an effort to coax some small drop of testosterone into his blood stream Brandon engages Garrett in talk of weightlifting to which Garrett simply replies, “it’s just like upper chest though for real.” It has become abundantly clear that neither of these men will be leaving the premises with pussy in hand.

Amanda apologizes to Juliette, but I can’t hear a word she’s saying because her luscious tits are in the way.

My extacy is cut short as the camera pans once more to Garrett who has gone from fighting for his relationship to appearing to no longer give much of a shit. It’s a big step in gaining back a sense of self respect. If I’m him, I pound a few more drinks, full my belly at the buffet, pocket some silverware and a few pastries before hightailing it out of there without saying a word to anyone. Garrett seems like way too good of a dude to be hanging around with this group of shit bags anyway (not Amanda, she’s cool).

Garrett’s apathy is really the best thing for him at this point, as Alex has now informed Kelsey that he is single, and Kelsey appears to be primed for a ride on as much cock as possible. She congratulates Alex on his speech and it is at this moment that any doubt about her desire to bang him is removed. In fairness to Kelsey, one can hardly judge the burning in her loins, at least at the moment. Alex’s speech — which will go down in the annals of TV history as the Cheers To That Address — was so riveting that it moved his typically stoic father to tears.

Sparing himself further embarassment, Garrett blows up Kelsey’s spot and bails from the party, finally displaying a pair of balls to go with his abs.

Line Of The Episode

“Cheers to that”

Song Of The Episode

Matsubs – Kings And Queens Of Summer