“…It definitely wasn’t easy being the new girl in Siesta Key…”

Well it ain’t too easy dating her either. The third installment of Siesta Key finds Chloe and Kelsey dishing the dirt on crew drama over the course of yet another producer driven drinks/coffee/lunch date. As if Garrett wasn’t ashamed enough when Kelsey mocked his anniversary picnic directly to his face during said picnic, now she’s ripping him apart over appetizers with a coworker she’s only known for a couple of weeks. Kelsey put on a strong ‘hot girl, good person’ display in episode 1 when we learned she was caring for a mother with MS, but the onion is getting peeled back and what we’re finding inside absolutely stinks.

Chloe takes the opportunity to momentarily forget that she has a snood big enough to qualify for a presidential pardon on Thanksgiving, if only she didn’t enjoy getting stuffed so much. The muffin-topped muckraker is all too happy to bash Garrett’s admittedly lame pepperoni, cheese, and cracker picnic and note jar anniversary gift — a bit dumbfounding considering her obvious dietary preference for salted meats, processed carbs, and domestic cheese. To even the most casual observer one thing is clear — Chloe likely has a laundry basket filled to the brim with yoga pants bathed in the sulfuric parfum of daily snacking.

Chloe continues to receive talking to’s from just about everyone in her life. Over drinks with her mother — I swear to fucking god these assholes must be keeping the entire food service sector of Siesta Key afloat with the volume of disingenuous, heart-to-heart sit downs they hold inside public eateries — Chloe is reminded that her drinking, and her absentee father’s criminal history may be fueling her irrational, angry outbursts. Doing little to disprove her mother’s point, or elicit an ounce of sympathy from the audience, Chloe storms off like the self-absorbed basic bitch that she’s proven herself to be throughout the saga that is summer in Siesta Key.

We’re reminded over and over again that Alex is Chloe’s best friend, and his relative absence from her daily counselings from friends and family might seem amiss were it not for a never ending stream of drama in his own life. The dimwitted Lothario apologizes to Maddison for revealing her oral prowess to a crowd gathered at Brandon’s bon fire in episode 2. It may be completely insincere, but Alex is beginning to betray a bit of a soft side. It’s a feature furthered by a moment of vulnerability when he finds out he’s been waitlisted by the admissions office at Stetson Law School — a vital artery on the road to a life of cush nepotism at his father’s law firm. Nevertheless, chicks dig the nice guy and this may be a real clue in explaining our dimwitted anti-hero’s prowess in pounding the poon that strolls the dunes of Siesta Key. If his neanderthal brow is any indicator, Alex may also be hung like a caveman — a trait highly sought after by the female of the species.

When you roll with a crew of heavy hitters, you don’t just party you partaaaaayyyyyyy. Episodes 1 and 2 focused on booze fueled social gatherings — Alex’s party, and Brandon’s bon fire respectively — and episode 3 is no different. This week the crew is taking to the high seas in Alex’s boat. I find myself immediately irked by Brandon’s use of the term beer pong to describe a game in which ping pong balls are thrown into a cup. This game is known as Beirut, and will always be known as Beirut because beer pong is played with a fucking paddle, and Beirut is called Beirut because the balls are bombing the cups, much like the bombs bursting in the city of Beirut. Aright, that’s it, it’s settled. And I don’t care if this is a petty thing for a 32-year-old man to care about; that shithead was wrong, everyone who calls it beer pong is wrong, and it is incumbent upon me to point that out.

My fury is soothed at the sight of Amanda’s plentiful posterior in a bikini. Eighteenth century British playwright William Congreve once wrote, “music hath charms to sooth the savage breast,” The Offspring reminded us that it could work on the savage BEAST as well, but it seems neither has laid eyes upon Amanda’s tush — a rump so soothing that an equally sized mound of Xanax could still not compete. She opens up to Alex about Chloe, and the boorish goon once again gives us a glimpse of his softer side; is the caveman really the caring man? Perhaps.

Garrett is making what we can call a good faith effort to hold onto Kelsey, but the wheels are quickly falling off the bus. Despite planting a very visible kiss on his beloved during the boat party, it’s becoming more and more apparent that this relationship is going to need a life preserver to keep from going under. Garrett is in over his head, and he’s beginning to realize it — a sentiment that’s put on display during a dog walk among the hanging moss with his lookalike younger brother.

Beyond his public display of affection, Garrett does little to shake his fast growing reputation as the crew’s cuck. From just feet away he watches as Alex gives Kelsey a hands on lesson in seamanship — and it’s beginning to appear that if he sets the right coordinates, our oceanfaring oaf my soon be giving her a lesson in semen-ship as well. For his part Garrett does confront Kelsey about her trampish boat behavior in a painfully uncomfortable conversation after a day of paddle boarding. From the looks of it though, it’s likely too little too late. The trust between Garrett and Kelsey has been broken beyond repair. Once that happens a cycle of growing anxiety and distrust ensues until it bursts into a supernova of booze, treachery, and a new lover’s steaming genitals. I’m not a man who likes to admit defeat, but Garrett’s only logical move in this situation is to make a tactical withdrawal, get back on Tindr, and spend the rest of the summer letting thrill seeking vacationers ride his manhood like a mechanical bull. Heartbreak is quickly healed by new pussy, it’s a lesson every man will someday learn, but the process is still a painful one. If anything about this mismatched, but asthetically pleasing pair infuriates me, it’s their use of the L-bomb after only 6 months of courtship. That just really isn’t normal, it’s actually completely fucking nuts. It took my woman and I over a year-and-a-half to use that word, and we actually do love each other. Get a life nerds.

With spurned lovers in mind, we’d be remiss if we didn’t give Madisson her due. Plain Jane has an interview with an engineering firm that she for some reason decides to bring MTV’s cameras to. It’s a bold strategy to bring a camera crew to an interview for a job that you are admittedly underqualified for. Still, after years of delighting in roadside wrecks on the Garden State Parkway I’m compelled to rubberneck and look on with a sort of shameful glee as she faces the blunt rejection that is so ubiquitous in the adult world. Welcome to the NFL rookie. A seasoned veteran might have made the cameras leave, and put her bow queen skills to use, unfortunately Madisoon is still wet behind the ears and it’s becoming painfully clear that she’s a long shot to make Alex’s gameday roster. She reflects on the interview during a stroll on the beach with her former beau, and he spills his guts about his scholarly short-comings, but even the blind can see that right now it’s just not meant to be — Alex Ahab has his sights set on a white whale.

Juliette has been conspicuously absent throughout much of the episode, and we later learn that she’s been lounging at home in a percoset fog after having a wisdom tooth pulled. With so many competitors vying for Alex, this is the wrong time for Juliette to be on the DL, but she seems far more concerned with patching things up between Chloe and Amanda — even offering to be mediator during a public reconciliation.

The sit down begins with Chloe grossing out the entire planet by crying as she reveals that she has an upset stomach. From Amanda we get the opposite side of the coin — an ice queen’s smile at the very mention of Chloe’s broken nose. The friends part ways after telling each other that they love each, though one can’t help but sense a more sinister motive on Amanda’s part. That suspicion is confirmed during a later meeting between Pauly Paul — who wears a gold bracelet around his hairy ass arm as though he’s some sort of a big shot, seriously dude, you used to cry yourself to sleep in juvie, you don’t get to act like a gangster badass, you give up that right the second you start crying in fucking juvie. Anyway, the wannabe middle-aged Persian man reveals to Chloe that Amanda has engaged in intercourse with Alex — a piece of information about which the Hungry Hungry Hippo is less than pleased.

And with that we are left dangling by our fingertips from the sandy cliff that is Siesta Key. Kelsey has clearly chummed the waters, and Alex is beginning to smell blood, if Garrett doesn’t do something soon he’ll be swimming off with the blonde haired beach babe clenched in his jaws. My heart hasn’t been shattered yet, but you better believe I’ll be investing in some Gorilla Glue in anticipation of putting the pieces back together after episode 4.

Line Of The Episode:

“I know you don’t know Alex very well, but he’s definitely known in this town as a player.”

Song Of The Episode:

Little Mix – Power