Siesta Key Recap: Mr. Steal Your Girl

“In Siesta Key it’s easy to fall in love”

It’s the day after Alex’s big gala, and a heeeeeerrrreeee we go!

At this point we’re being led to believe that Madissson is actually into Brandon. I know the producers want me to buy it, but I’m just not there. She’s had college dick, and spent her teen years plus last summer bowing before the cock of the walk — Alex — who is still out there slinging it. It’s just hard to believe that she’s going to settle for a chump like Brandon who regularly wears cuffed, skinny jean shorts.


On the Alex front, rumors continue to swirl about a tryst with Kelsey, and after their behavior at the gala it’s not hard to understand why. Garrett stormed out of the gala like “I don’t give a fuck” opening the door for Alex and Kelsey to take a late night swim.

While Brandon was busy delivering cheesedick lines like, “Now we’re here in the pool we should play some chicken or something like that.” This guy really sucks ass. Anyway, while he was on that lame ass shit in the pool, Alex was without a doubt getting ready to bathe Kelsey in his swimmers.

As the sun rises on Siesta Key, Garrett and Tanner prepare a high protein, moderate fat breakfast of eggs scrambled in coconut oil. If Tanner is Garrett’s protege, he still has a lot to learn as evidenced by his untoward request for cheese to be added to his eggs. This little shit better learn quickly that if your eggs are cooked in coconut oil, you don’t get to add cheese…not if you want to have abs for days.

Chloe once again fills out our screens and immediately takes to stirring the pot by asking Alex if he cares about Maaaaadison and Brandon. It’s hard for me to believe that Alex would give any shits about this since his stank is all over the bow queen, he’s got Juliette wrapped around his retarded little finger, cucked Brandon with Amanda, and is now setting his sights on Kelsey. Hitting a dry hole on the Madison front, Chloe moves on to Juliette. This is Chloe’s lot in life. Instead of improving herself and working to become a better person, she meddles in the affairs of others. Check yourself bitch.

As the crew approaches the beach she announces her intention to play flip cup.

“We are playing flip cup for sure!”

Perhaps instead of binge drinking and stirring shit among an already toxic social circle she should go to the gym, and read a self help book.

Garrett shocks the audience by showing up at the beach with Kelsey. It’s understandable to want to hold down a piece of ass like Kelsey, and admire his moxy, still I can’t help but think he’d be better off moving on. He’s a better person than everyone in the crew, and with abs for days should be more than capable of slaying fresh ass, especially during tourist season in Siesta Key.

Brandon and Madisssson have a heart to heart about life, engineering, and the puffy haired doufus’ musical aspirations. Brandon further infuriates viewers by once again dressing like an asshole in shorts and a tank top which both have horizantal stripes — for a model, this guy really clothes himself like absolute shit.

Juliette is conspicuosly absent from the crew’s beach outing. She’s decided to spend the day poolside with one of her lackies. In my own personal director’s cut the pair would end the day by playfully coating each other’s backs and thighs in aloe and cocoa butter, but MTV clearly lacks my artistic vision.

Back on the sands of Siesta it’s become more and more obvious that Garrett doesn’t want to be there, even the crew has noticed that he won’t fight for his girl as Kelsey drags him away for a heart to heart. She tries to rationalize her own whorish behavior at the gala but the effort seems to be falling short. As usual Pauly contributes nothing useful to the scene.

Alex leads the crew back to his house to a hottub libation and reveals plans for a trip to Bimini, which people tell me is in the Bahamas. Glasses are raised to the vacation of a lifetime, and Pauly informs us that he’ll need to postpone a court date due to a marijuana arrest. Clearly doing hard time as a juvenile was not enough to steer the bad boy of the beach away from a life of crime. It’s always sad to see the system fail at risk individuals, even when they are massive douche nozzles who wear leather strap back hats.

Fucking your way through a Siesta Key summer is a good way to build up an insatiable appetite. And there’s no better way to feed that hunger than by sitting down for some hibachi with his father and grandfather. Amid cheers of Opa! We’re again given insight into Alex’s lavish life. His grandfather advises him to simply invite Kelsey over and claim her as is. Alex’s grandfater totally fucks.

You know how I know Brandon has the weakest dick game in the entire Gulf Coast? Because his first date with Madiiiison involves bright green drinks that are best described as ‘faggoty’ couple with more piss poor, pseudo-charismatic chit chat. I’m seriously beginning to think that Brandon may be a virgin. He admits to never having had a serious girlfriend — despite modeling in New York City, as town with a 60/40 female to male ratio comprised of sex positive women who are chomping at the bit to add ‘ethnic boyfriend’ to their liberal credentials. The date ends with a kiss so bad that an open cold sore couldn’t have made it any worse.

Madison’s recent academic success prompts her father to plan a special dinner. Her dad seems like a pretty good guy. Doesn’t really bear on the recap, but it should be mentined because most of the population of Siesta Key seems to be comprised of absolute shit bags. When the time comes to dine, Kelsey, Alex, and Brandon will be on the guestlist.

Garrett is clearly sick of Kelsey’s bullshit, but has not cut the cord, and in doing so anecdotally proves a lesson we learned watching Seinfeld — that the first breakup never takes. He opts out of the Bimini trip an informs Kelsey that any hanky panky in the Bahamas will deal a death blow to their relationship.

Narcissist that she is, Kelsey defends herself telling him, “no girl would tell their boyfriend they were flirting with another guy.”

Garrett fires back immediately.

“A real girlfirend wouldn’t flirt with another guy.”

Check mate.

Kelsey cries, but alligator tears are tears too.

Time for Madison and her sister to pay a visit to mom…who appears to live her life in a constant fog of white wine, xanax, and Stevie Nicks. Something has continued to puzzle me since the flames were sparked — what in god’s name could Madddisoon see in Brandon? She’s already been with Alpha Alex, why stoop to the level of Beta Brandon?

We’re given a brief respite from this stupidity, with a turn towards the more attractive part of town. Despite her friction with the crew, Juliette is intent on joining them on their trip to Bimini. Kelsey is in the midst of a breakdown over her cockflict with Garrett and Alex.

Finally the night of the big dinner arrives.

Alex and his mother begin the night by taking a big shit on Brandon in front of the entire table. The turd takes the form of Alex’s mother fondly recalling the not so bygone days when Alex used to fuck Brandon’s date — check mate. For some reason Madison remains undeterred, and shares another terrible looking kiss with Brandon. For a man of mixed ethnic background, it’s surprising to see how little flavor Brandon has, and I’m beginning to think his dick game packs a similar punch.

As an aside, MTV keeps running ads for a show called ‘Undressed’ where people get naked in bed and ask each other ‘tough questions’ they’re teasing an episode where two twinks argue about Donald Trump. In the industry we call that appointment TV.

For a group that spends so much time boating, you’d think the fates would do us a favor and send them speeding into a reef or a sand bar one day — if not to wipe them out entirely, at least to cull the herd a bit. Chloe’s carcass alone would be enough to feed an entire school of tiger sharks, so ecologically speaking it would be an absolute mitzvah.

Anyway, our merry band of shitheads is back out on the boat, and Chloe decides to stir up some more shit.

“Look who’s not with Garrett”

Mercifully my viewing was cut short with five minutes remaining, thanks to a timely test of the Emergency Broadcast System by Verizon, sparing me further annoyance at the hands of these ass clowns.

Line Of The Episode
“We are playing flip cup for sure”

Song Of The Episode

Ocean Park Standoff – Lost Boys


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