Siesta Key Recap: Mr. Steal Your Girl

“In Siesta Key it’s easy to fall in love”

It’s the day after Alex’s big gala, and a heeeeeerrrreeee we go!

At this point we’re being led to believe that Madissson is actually into Brandon. I know the producers want me to buy it, but I’m just not there. She’s had college dick, and spent her teen years plus last summer bowing before the cock of the walk — Alex — who is still out there slinging it. It’s just hard to believe that she’s going to settle for a chump like Brandon who regularly wears cuffed, skinny jean shorts.


On the Alex front, rumors continue to swirl about a tryst with Kelsey, and after their behavior at the gala it’s not hard to understand why. Garrett stormed out of the gala like “I don’t give a fuck” opening the door for Alex and Kelsey to take a late night swim.

While Brandon was busy delivering cheesedick lines like, “Now we’re here in the pool we should play some chicken or something like that.” This guy really sucks ass. Anyway, while he was on that lame ass shit in the pool, Alex was without a doubt getting ready to bathe Kelsey in his swimmers.

As the sun rises on Siesta Key, Garrett and Tanner prepare a high protein, moderate fat breakfast of eggs scrambled in coconut oil. If Tanner is Garrett’s protege, he still has a lot to learn as evidenced by his untoward request for cheese to be added to his eggs. This little shit better learn quickly that if your eggs are cooked in coconut oil, you don’t get to add cheese…not if you want to have abs for days.

Chloe once again fills out our screens and immediately takes to stirring the pot by asking Alex if he cares about Maaaaadison and Brandon. It’s hard for me to believe that Alex would give any shits about this since his stank is all over the bow queen, he’s got Juliette wrapped around his retarded little finger, cucked Brandon with Amanda, and is now setting his sights on Kelsey. Hitting a dry hole on the Madison front, Chloe moves on to Juliette. This is Chloe’s lot in life. Instead of improving herself and working to become a better person, she meddles in the affairs of others. Check yourself bitch.

As the crew approaches the beach she announces her intention to play flip cup.

“We are playing flip cup for sure!”

Perhaps instead of binge drinking and stirring shit among an already toxic social circle she should go to the gym, and read a self help book.

Garrett shocks the audience by showing up at the beach with Kelsey. It’s understandable to want to hold down a piece of ass like Kelsey, and admire his moxy, still I can’t help but think he’d be better off moving on. He’s a better person than everyone in the crew, and with abs for days should be more than capable of slaying fresh ass, especially during tourist season in Siesta Key.

Brandon and Madisssson have a heart to heart about life, engineering, and the puffy haired doufus’ musical aspirations. Brandon further infuriates viewers by once again dressing like an asshole in shorts and a tank top which both have horizantal stripes — for a model, this guy really clothes himself like absolute shit.

Juliette is conspicuosly absent from the crew’s beach outing. She’s decided to spend the day poolside with one of her lackies. In my own personal director’s cut the pair would end the day by playfully coating each other’s backs and thighs in aloe and cocoa butter, but MTV clearly lacks my artistic vision.

Back on the sands of Siesta it’s become more and more obvious that Garrett doesn’t want to be there, even the crew has noticed that he won’t fight for his girl as Kelsey drags him away for a heart to heart. She tries to rationalize her own whorish behavior at the gala but the effort seems to be falling short. As usual Pauly contributes nothing useful to the scene.

Alex leads the crew back to his house to a hottub libation and reveals plans for a trip to Bimini, which people tell me is in the Bahamas. Glasses are raised to the vacation of a lifetime, and Pauly informs us that he’ll need to postpone a court date due to a marijuana arrest. Clearly doing hard time as a juvenile was not enough to steer the bad boy of the beach away from a life of crime. It’s always sad to see the system fail at risk individuals, even when they are massive douche nozzles who wear leather strap back hats.

Fucking your way through a Siesta Key summer is a good way to build up an insatiable appetite. And there’s no better way to feed that hunger than by sitting down for some hibachi with his father and grandfather. Amid cheers of Opa! We’re again given insight into Alex’s lavish life. His grandfather advises him to simply invite Kelsey over and claim her as is. Alex’s grandfater totally fucks.

You know how I know Brandon has the weakest dick game in the entire Gulf Coast? Because his first date with Madiiiison involves bright green drinks that are best described as ‘faggoty’ couple with more piss poor, pseudo-charismatic chit chat. I’m seriously beginning to think that Brandon may be a virgin. He admits to never having had a serious girlfriend — despite modeling in New York City, as town with a 60/40 female to male ratio comprised of sex positive women who are chomping at the bit to add ‘ethnic boyfriend’ to their liberal credentials. The date ends with a kiss so bad that an open cold sore couldn’t have made it any worse.

Madison’s recent academic success prompts her father to plan a special dinner. Her dad seems like a pretty good guy. Doesn’t really bear on the recap, but it should be mentined because most of the population of Siesta Key seems to be comprised of absolute shit bags. When the time comes to dine, Kelsey, Alex, and Brandon will be on the guestlist.

Garrett is clearly sick of Kelsey’s bullshit, but has not cut the cord, and in doing so anecdotally proves a lesson we learned watching Seinfeld — that the first breakup never takes. He opts out of the Bimini trip an informs Kelsey that any hanky panky in the Bahamas will deal a death blow to their relationship.

Narcissist that she is, Kelsey defends herself telling him, “no girl would tell their boyfriend they were flirting with another guy.”

Garrett fires back immediately.

“A real girlfirend wouldn’t flirt with another guy.”

Check mate.

Kelsey cries, but alligator tears are tears too.

Time for Madison and her sister to pay a visit to mom…who appears to live her life in a constant fog of white wine, xanax, and Stevie Nicks. Something has continued to puzzle me since the flames were sparked — what in god’s name could Madddisoon see in Brandon? She’s already been with Alpha Alex, why stoop to the level of Beta Brandon?

We’re given a brief respite from this stupidity, with a turn towards the more attractive part of town. Despite her friction with the crew, Juliette is intent on joining them on their trip to Bimini. Kelsey is in the midst of a breakdown over her cockflict with Garrett and Alex.

Finally the night of the big dinner arrives.

Alex and his mother begin the night by taking a big shit on Brandon in front of the entire table. The turd takes the form of Alex’s mother fondly recalling the not so bygone days when Alex used to fuck Brandon’s date — check mate. For some reason Madison remains undeterred, and shares another terrible looking kiss with Brandon. For a man of mixed ethnic background, it’s surprising to see how little flavor Brandon has, and I’m beginning to think his dick game packs a similar punch.

As an aside, MTV keeps running ads for a show called ‘Undressed’ where people get naked in bed and ask each other ‘tough questions’ they’re teasing an episode where two twinks argue about Donald Trump. In the industry we call that appointment TV.

For a group that spends so much time boating, you’d think the fates would do us a favor and send them speeding into a reef or a sand bar one day — if not to wipe them out entirely, at least to cull the herd a bit. Chloe’s carcass alone would be enough to feed an entire school of tiger sharks, so ecologically speaking it would be an absolute mitzvah.

Anyway, our merry band of shitheads is back out on the boat, and Chloe decides to stir up some more shit.

“Look who’s not with Garrett”

Mercifully my viewing was cut short with five minutes remaining, thanks to a timely test of the Emergency Broadcast System by Verizon, sparing me further annoyance at the hands of these ass clowns.

Line Of The Episode
“We are playing flip cup for sure”

Song Of The Episode

Ocean Park Standoff – Lost Boys


Siesta Key Recap: Don’t Go Breaking My Heart

“…It definitely wasn’t easy being the new girl in Siesta Key…”

Well it ain’t too easy dating her either. The third installment of Siesta Key finds Chloe and Kelsey dishing the dirt on crew drama over the course of yet another producer driven drinks/coffee/lunch date. As if Garrett wasn’t ashamed enough when Kelsey mocked his anniversary picnic directly to his face during said picnic, now she’s ripping him apart over appetizers with a coworker she’s only known for a couple of weeks. Kelsey put on a strong ‘hot girl, good person’ display in episode 1 when we learned she was caring for a mother with MS, but the onion is getting peeled back and what we’re finding inside absolutely stinks.


Chloe takes the opportunity to momentarily forget that she has a snood big enough to qualify for a presidential pardon on Thanksgiving, if only she didn’t enjoy getting stuffed so much. The muffin-topped muckraker is all too happy to bash Garrett’s admittedly lame pepperoni, cheese, and cracker picnic and note jar anniversary gift — a bit dumbfounding considering her obvious dietary preference for salted meats, processed carbs, and domestic cheese. To even the most casual observer one thing is clear — Chloe likely has a laundry basket filled to the brim with yoga pants bathed in the sulfuric parfum of daily snacking.

Chloe continues to receive talking to’s from just about everyone in her life. Over drinks with her mother — I swear to fucking god these assholes must be keeping the entire food service sector of Siesta Key afloat with the volume of disingenuous, heart-to-heart sit downs they hold inside public eateries — Chloe is reminded that her drinking, and her absentee father’s criminal history may be fueling her irrational, angry outbursts. Doing little to disprove her mother’s point, or elicit an ounce of sympathy from the audience, Chloe storms off like the self-absorbed basic bitch that she’s proven herself to be throughout the saga that is summer in Siesta Key.

We’re reminded over and over again that Alex is Chloe’s best friend, and his relative absence from her daily counselings from friends and family might seem amiss were it not for a never ending stream of drama in his own life. The dimwitted Lothario apologizes to Maddison for revealing her oral prowess to a crowd gathered at Brandon’s bon fire in episode 2. It may be completely insincere, but Alex is beginning to betray a bit of a soft side. It’s a feature furthered by a moment of vulnerability when he finds out he’s been waitlisted by the admissions office at Stetson Law School — a vital artery on the road to a life of cush nepotism at his father’s law firm. Nevertheless, chicks dig the nice guy and this may be a real clue in explaining our dimwitted anti-hero’s prowess in pounding the poon that strolls the dunes of Siesta Key. If his neanderthal brow is any indicator, Alex may also be hung like a caveman — a trait highly sought after by the female of the species.

When you roll with a crew of heavy hitters, you don’t just party you partaaaaayyyyyyy. Episodes 1 and 2 focused on booze fueled social gatherings — Alex’s party, and Brandon’s bon fire respectively — and episode 3 is no different. This week the crew is taking to the high seas in Alex’s boat. I find myself immediately irked by Brandon’s use of the term beer pong to describe a game in which ping pong balls are thrown into a cup. This game is known as Beirut, and will always be known as Beirut because beer pong is played with a fucking paddle, and Beirut is called Beirut because the balls are bombing the cups, much like the bombs bursting in the city of Beirut. Aright, that’s it, it’s settled. And I don’t care if this is a petty thing for a 32-year-old man to care about; that shithead was wrong, everyone who calls it beer pong is wrong, and it is incumbent upon me to point that out.

My fury is soothed at the sight of Amanda’s plentiful posterior in a bikini. Eighteenth century British playwright William Congreve once wrote, “music hath charms to sooth the savage breast,” The Offspring reminded us that it could work on the savage BEAST as well, but it seems neither has laid eyes upon Amanda’s tush — a rump so soothing that an equally sized mound of Xanax could still not compete. She opens up to Alex about Chloe, and the boorish goon once again gives us a glimpse of his softer side; is the caveman really the caring man? Perhaps.

Garrett is making what we can call a good faith effort to hold onto Kelsey, but the wheels are quickly falling off the bus. Despite planting a very visible kiss on his beloved during the boat party, it’s becoming more and more apparent that this relationship is going to need a life preserver to keep from going under. Garrett is in over his head, and he’s beginning to realize it — a sentiment that’s put on display during a dog walk among the hanging moss with his lookalike younger brother.

Beyond his public display of affection, Garrett does little to shake his fast growing reputation as the crew’s cuck. From just feet away he watches as Alex gives Kelsey a hands on lesson in seamanship — and it’s beginning to appear that if he sets the right coordinates, our oceanfaring oaf my soon be giving her a lesson in semen-ship as well. For his part Garrett does confront Kelsey about her trampish boat behavior in a painfully uncomfortable conversation after a day of paddle boarding. From the looks of it though, it’s likely too little too late. The trust between Garrett and Kelsey has been broken beyond repair. Once that happens a cycle of growing anxiety and distrust ensues until it bursts into a supernova of booze, treachery, and a new lover’s steaming genitals. I’m not a man who likes to admit defeat, but Garrett’s only logical move in this situation is to make a tactical withdrawal, get back on Tindr, and spend the rest of the summer letting thrill seeking vacationers ride his manhood like a mechanical bull. Heartbreak is quickly healed by new pussy, it’s a lesson every man will someday learn, but the process is still a painful one. If anything about this mismatched, but asthetically pleasing pair infuriates me, it’s their use of the L-bomb after only 6 months of courtship. That just really isn’t normal, it’s actually completely fucking nuts. It took my woman and I over a year-and-a-half to use that word, and we actually do love each other. Get a life nerds.

With spurned lovers in mind, we’d be remiss if we didn’t give Madisson her due. Plain Jane has an interview with an engineering firm that she for some reason decides to bring MTV’s cameras to. It’s a bold strategy to bring a camera crew to an interview for a job that you are admittedly underqualified for. Still, after years of delighting in roadside wrecks on the Garden State Parkway I’m compelled to rubberneck and look on with a sort of shameful glee as she faces the blunt rejection that is so ubiquitous in the adult world. Welcome to the NFL rookie. A seasoned veteran might have made the cameras leave, and put her bow queen skills to use, unfortunately Madisoon is still wet behind the ears and it’s becoming painfully clear that she’s a long shot to make Alex’s gameday roster. She reflects on the interview during a stroll on the beach with her former beau, and he spills his guts about his scholarly short-comings, but even the blind can see that right now it’s just not meant to be — Alex Ahab has his sights set on a white whale.

Juliette has been conspicuously absent throughout much of the episode, and we later learn that she’s been lounging at home in a percoset fog after having a wisdom tooth pulled. With so many competitors vying for Alex, this is the wrong time for Juliette to be on the DL, but she seems far more concerned with patching things up between Chloe and Amanda — even offering to be mediator during a public reconciliation.

The sit down begins with Chloe grossing out the entire planet by crying as she reveals that she has an upset stomach. From Amanda we get the opposite side of the coin — an ice queen’s smile at the very mention of Chloe’s broken nose. The friends part ways after telling each other that they love each, though one can’t help but sense a more sinister motive on Amanda’s part. That suspicion is confirmed during a later meeting between Pauly Paul — who wears a gold bracelet around his hairy ass arm as though he’s some sort of a big shot, seriously dude, you used to cry yourself to sleep in juvie, you don’t get to act like a gangster badass, you give up that right the second you start crying in fucking juvie. Anyway, the wannabe middle-aged Persian man reveals to Chloe that Amanda has engaged in intercourse with Alex — a piece of information about which the Hungry Hungry Hippo is less than pleased.

And with that we are left dangling by our fingertips from the sandy cliff that is Siesta Key. Kelsey has clearly chummed the waters, and Alex is beginning to smell blood, if Garrett doesn’t do something soon he’ll be swimming off with the blonde haired beach babe clenched in his jaws. My heart hasn’t been shattered yet, but you better believe I’ll be investing in some Gorilla Glue in anticipation of putting the pieces back together after episode 4.

Line Of The Episode:

“I know you don’t know Alex very well, but he’s definitely known in this town as a player.”


Song Of The Episode:

Little Mix – Power