Siesta Key Recap: Cheers To That

“…in Siesta Key every day is like living the dream…”

If you recall when we left our heroes at the end of episode 3, Chloe was receiving word from Pauly Paul that Alex had added Amanda to his kill count…or had she added him to hers? Who knows, either way the fucked, and Chloe isn’t happy.

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As Chloe confronts Alex about the hookup, it becomes clear to even the most dense among us that she’s beginning to feel left out. Alex is fucking his way through Siesta Key, but he’s ignoring Chloe like broccoli at an all you can eat buffet. To make matters worse, she’s been cucked again by the chick who busted up her face in the Uber. I’d be lying if I said that all this wasn’t giving me the warm and fuzzies. Chloe is a massive pain in the ass, and spends far too much time injecting herself into other people’s personal issues. She’s the whale of the crew, and it’s time for them to consider trimming some blubber.

But it’s Alex who manages to bring my frustration to a whole new level. The confrontation with Chloe takes place outside in the middle of the day. Alex has his sunglasses on backwards and upside down. The shades give his eyes absolutely no UV protection, and instead serve to make him look like even more of an ass-clown — a feature that is further enhanced by the fact that he is wearing a long sleeved t-shirt, during the day, in the middle of summer, in coastal Florida. It continues to befuddle me to hear about Alex smashing so much ass and I’m left to wonder if it’s simply because he has a moose cock and a copy of his father’s Viagra prescription — at this point it seems to be the only reasonable explanation.

We glean a pair of juicy nuggets from a conversation between Maddissooon and Kelsey (apparently these two are friends now? Seems like an odd combination, but for the sake of theater I’m perfectly willing to suspend disbelief). Apparently Alex has a soft side, and he’ll be putting that side to work when he hosts a gala to benefit children with autism. The episode abruptly cuts to commercial as producers usher a zamboni onto the set to clean up the puddle that has manifested itself beneath Kelsey’s chair. Bow Queen Madison appears to be completely over her former beau and invites Kelsey to the gala before inquiring about the status of her relationship with Garrett. Madisson appears stunned to find out that their love is on the rocks.

“You guys were like a fairy tale couple,” she says…and by fairy tale couple I can only assume she means, “shredded personal trainer, and new in town smokebomb who jumped into a relationship too quickly after a couple tindr dates, and aesthetically pleasing sexual encounters, only to watch it all go down in a hail of cheese, crackers, and suntanned rich dude dicks.” In spite of their relationship going up in flames, Kelsey tells Maddison that she plans to bring Garrett with her to the gala, which if I’m being perfectly honest doesn’t make an ounce of sense. Why would a guy who isn’t dating you want to go to a gala at the home of a dude who is definitely planning to bang you…he’s gotta have something better to do that night right? See a movie, get to bed early, catch up on some reading, fold laundry, knock on windows at an old folks home and expose yourself to geriatrics as they come to inspect the racket (actually that one could be a lot of fun, sometimes old people really do need to be put in their place), but any of those things sound better than going to the gala at Mr. Steal Yo Girl’s house.

We’re taken immediately to the exterior of Amanda’s house where Brandon is pulling up with business on his mind. He’s dressed like everything terrible about generation Y, a look amplified by his cuffed, skinny legged, jean shorts. I’d spend more time beating him for dressing like an asshole, but the real meat of this scene is in the interaction between Brandon and the always sexy Amanda. Brandon looks like he’s been crying for a considerable amount of time and confronts Amanda about her rendezvous with Alex. She admits it, and it’s here that Brandon accelerates his transition from Mr. Cool to Mr. Cuck (I realize it may seem like I’m overusing the word cuck in these recaps, but it has an actual practical application here. In fact a better name for this show would have been Siesta Cuck). Anyway, Brandon confesses his true feelings for Amanda and is rebuffed in the worst way possible — a cool, ‘we’re better as friends.’ For those not in the know, ‘let’s be friends’ is what chicks say when they’ve found a guy who has a tastier dick than you do. Slow down the scene enough and you might actually be able to pinpoint the exact moment that Brandon’s heart breaks and his dick shrivels.

Drive up confrontations appear to be the order of the day in Siesta Key, as Juliette pulls up to Alex’s place to put him on blast about fucking Amanda. These drive up confrontations appear to be somewhat common place among the crew which is quickly making its case as the most toxic group of people on the planet.

A frustratingly recurring theme in Siesta Key features members of the crew opening up to their parents about their love lives. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; I just don’t get it. I generally don’t like to discuss that part of my life with anyone, but if I’m going to discuss things like emotions and where I want to stick my penis, and who I’m competing against for said hole, I’m probably not going to turn to mom and dad…jussssssssayin.

Anyway, Kelsey expresses frustration that Garrett — who typically beats around the bush (although I like to picture Kels as completely waxed — has been quite direct about his desire for a relationship with her. Garrett’s newfound persistence has brought a cloud of gloom over Kelsey who expresses a desire to ‘live in the moment.’ If you think it’s a bit selfish for Kelsey to burden her mother with this kind of superficial bullshit while she battles MS, you’re right, it is. But that’s what ‘live in the moment’ girls do, because as we all know ‘live in the moment’ is code for sample as many different penises in as short a time as possible.

Garrett navigates the squall that has hit his relationship the same way he navigates everything, by hitting the gym with Conor his loyal, wise, training partner who reminds Garrett not to let Kelsey bring him down — after all, it’s not all about boats, parties, and bitches, Conor and Garret are in the trenches, grinding. The pair then heads home to stick their dicks inside of a tub of Hemo Rage while watching Tony Robbins videos on YouTube.

We find Maaadison at Alex’s house reminding viewers once again that the Red Bull Vodka slugging Lothario does indeed have a big heart. She thinks he has a lot of love to give, but he says he’s keeping it for the right person. Deep in my heart of hearts I want to care, but find myself distracted beyond recovery by the realization that everyone in this show is horribly pale. I mean for fucks sake they live in coastal Florida, and it’s the summer, and all they do is hang out outside boating, fishing, and drinking. They don’t even need to try to get tan, it should just happen as a matter of course. This shit really doesn’t add up. Seriously; HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY THAT PALE. None of this makes sense.

Our next scene finds Chloe and Juliette on the beach — purportedly working on their tans, but who the fuck knows because nobody on this show has one. They also spend a little time time bitching about Alex. Juliette is well within her rights to be pissed off. She was in a pseudo summer fling with Alex when it was revealed that he banged her incredibly sexy friend Amanda. I can’t fault Alex for doing that, if you get a crack at a chick like Amanda you take it, and don’t ask any questions. She just absolutely drips sex every time she’s on screen. Still Juliette is a piece of ass and deserves her due attention as well. Chloe on the other hand needs to shut the fuck up. The deflated goiter that she calls a neck makes her last in line for the throne, and she really shouldn’t even be appearing on screen. They say the camera adds 10-lbs, well on Chloe it all landed directly beneath her chin.

As the females of the crew shop for outfits for the Gatsby themed gala, Alex finally puts his soft side on display as he makes tacos for his autistic siblings Bronson and Sarah. It’s worth noting that Bronson is a totally sweet name.

As the gals shop for gala outfits, Juliette informs Chloe and Kelsey the she and Alex are through. It’s an admission that prompts Kelsey to spill some beans of her own — Alex has invited her to go out fishing on his boat, a sure fire sign that Siesta Key’s most eligible doufous wants to hook the new girl’s red snapper.

As Juliette steps away, Kelsey confides in Chloe about the deteriorating situation on the Garrett front. Far from providing relationship saving advice, the walking goiter lays this gem upon her new found bestie.

“You’re supposed to have the time of your life in your twenties, you’re such a free spirit, you have so much life to live.”

For those of you who have never spent time around 20-something women — which if you’re one of my followers, is most of you — allow me to loosely translate.

“You should feel free to throw away a relationship with a good looking guy who cares about you because everyone you hang out with is a whore, and it will make us feel a little bit better about being whores if you’re willing to abandon your relationship to join the rest of the whores. Plus you’re in your 20s, so it’s like you have the perfect excuse. If anyone criticizes you for engaging in such reckless behavior just explain that you’re a free spirit.”

Generally speaking anytime you hear a chick use terms like ‘I want to meet new people’ or ‘I just want to go out and have fun’ or ‘I’m just doing me right now’ it means they want to go out and play the field…of dicks.

Finally, the day of the gala arrives, and viewers are informed that both Amanda and Juliette have RSVPd. Tonight the good people of Siesta Key will sup on drama stew ala Alex. It’s sure to be a gala that is not soon forgotten.

Before the party-people do their thing we’re treated to a montage of the crew donning their Gatsby best in preparation for the big night. Amanda as usual is absolutely killing it; time and time again she has proven herself to be the crew member most capable of wrecking hearts…and dicks.

As the crew gussies themselves up for the evening ahead, Chloe has the audacity to declare that Garrett looks like he would be a ‘starfish’ in bed. For the uninitated, a starfish is a person whose sexual repertoir consists solely of laying back with arms and legs spread out — giving the appearance of a starfish — and letting the other person do all the work. She utters the obtuse comment while caking herself in so much makeup that one has to wonder if she would have been better off dipping her face in a tub of Crisco instead.

Criticism of the crew aside, Alex’s party looks like it totally fucks. Moscow Mules — a personal favorite of mine — are on the menu, and there are some sick whips in the driveway.

As the festivities get underway, so too does the drama. Brandon arrives and Alex informs him that there will be ‘no hard feelings’ over the party host’s tryst with Amanda. Brandon meekly accepts and attempts to play it cool, but the blow to his ego is evident. He excuses himself from further emasculating by declaring his intention to ‘say whatsup’ to Garrett — cucks of a feather flock together.

As if Chef Alex had not already baked enough flavor into this party paellalla, Chloe takes it upon herself to inform him that Kelsey and Garrett’s relationship is on the rocks — a revelation that brings a sinister grin to our host’s face. It seems the cock of the walk will have his pick of hens tonight; a likliehood that seems all the more inevitable by a well time jump cut that finds a visibly bored Kelsey pouting next to a visibly broken Garrett. The shredded beach bro seems to finally have realized that he’s waded arm in arm into shark infested waters with a blood soaked piece of chum.

Seemingly out of nowhere, Brandon approaches Kelsey and Madddisun and offers the latter a fresh drink. Brandon — a frontrunner to sit upon the feathered throne of King Cuck — once again looks as if he’s been crying. He refers to Madison’s dress as ‘visually rewarding’ to which Kelsey immediately calls him a ‘creep’ all but solidifying his position as Captain of the Good Ship Cuckipop. Undeterred, Brandon asks Madison if he can see her more often, and offers to take him out for dinner. Always one with a bit of a heart — and an apparent soft spot for losers — Madison lets him down as softly as possible but the damage is done. Brandon has gone from suave to shit over the course of a single episode.

Finally, after much dillydallying, Amanda arrives, and she does so by shaking her ass to the delight of the band, photographers, and the millions watching at home. Necks snap as Amanda struts into the gala. She greets Alex, prompting Brandon to look on in agony.

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Brandon turns to Garrett to distract himself from his dismal failures as a man — an unfortunate circumstance made worse by the presence of his father at the gala. Perhaps in an effort to coax some small drop of testosterone into his blood stream Brandon engages Garrett in talk of weightlifting to which Garrett simply replies, “it’s just like upper chest though for real.” It has become abundantly clear that neither of these men will be leaving the premises with pussy in hand.

Amanda apologizes to Juliette, but I can’t hear a word she’s saying because her luscious tits are in the way.

My extacy is cut short as the camera pans once more to Garrett who has gone from fighting for his relationship to appearing to no longer give much of a shit. It’s a big step in gaining back a sense of self respect. If I’m him, I pound a few more drinks, full my belly at the buffet, pocket some silverware and a few pastries before hightailing it out of there without saying a word to anyone. Garrett seems like way too good of a dude to be hanging around with this group of shit bags anyway (not Amanda, she’s cool).

Garrett’s apathy is really the best thing for him at this point, as Alex has now informed Kelsey that he is single, and Kelsey appears to be primed for a ride on as much cock as possible. She congratulates Alex on his speech and it is at this moment that any doubt about her desire to bang him is removed. In fairness to Kelsey, one can hardly judge the burning in her loins, at least at the moment. Alex’s speech — which will go down in the annals of TV history as the Cheers To That Address — was so riveting that it moved his typically stoic father to tears.

Sparing himself further embarassment, Garrett blows up Kelsey’s spot and bails from the party, finally displaying a pair of balls to go with his abs.

Line Of The Episode

“Cheers to that”

Song Of The Episode

Matsubs – Kings And Queens Of Summer

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Siesta Key Recap: Don’t Go Breaking My Heart

“…It definitely wasn’t easy being the new girl in Siesta Key…”

Well it ain’t too easy dating her either. The third installment of Siesta Key finds Chloe and Kelsey dishing the dirt on crew drama over the course of yet another producer driven drinks/coffee/lunch date. As if Garrett wasn’t ashamed enough when Kelsey mocked his anniversary picnic directly to his face during said picnic, now she’s ripping him apart over appetizers with a coworker she’s only known for a couple of weeks. Kelsey put on a strong ‘hot girl, good person’ display in episode 1 when we learned she was caring for a mother with MS, but the onion is getting peeled back and what we’re finding inside absolutely stinks.

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Chloe takes the opportunity to momentarily forget that she has a snood big enough to qualify for a presidential pardon on Thanksgiving, if only she didn’t enjoy getting stuffed so much. The muffin-topped muckraker is all too happy to bash Garrett’s admittedly lame pepperoni, cheese, and cracker picnic and note jar anniversary gift — a bit dumbfounding considering her obvious dietary preference for salted meats, processed carbs, and domestic cheese. To even the most casual observer one thing is clear — Chloe likely has a laundry basket filled to the brim with yoga pants bathed in the sulfuric parfum of daily snacking.

Chloe continues to receive talking to’s from just about everyone in her life. Over drinks with her mother — I swear to fucking god these assholes must be keeping the entire food service sector of Siesta Key afloat with the volume of disingenuous, heart-to-heart sit downs they hold inside public eateries — Chloe is reminded that her drinking, and her absentee father’s criminal history may be fueling her irrational, angry outbursts. Doing little to disprove her mother’s point, or elicit an ounce of sympathy from the audience, Chloe storms off like the self-absorbed basic bitch that she’s proven herself to be throughout the saga that is summer in Siesta Key.

We’re reminded over and over again that Alex is Chloe’s best friend, and his relative absence from her daily counselings from friends and family might seem amiss were it not for a never ending stream of drama in his own life. The dimwitted Lothario apologizes to Maddison for revealing her oral prowess to a crowd gathered at Brandon’s bon fire in episode 2. It may be completely insincere, but Alex is beginning to betray a bit of a soft side. It’s a feature furthered by a moment of vulnerability when he finds out he’s been waitlisted by the admissions office at Stetson Law School — a vital artery on the road to a life of cush nepotism at his father’s law firm. Nevertheless, chicks dig the nice guy and this may be a real clue in explaining our dimwitted anti-hero’s prowess in pounding the poon that strolls the dunes of Siesta Key. If his neanderthal brow is any indicator, Alex may also be hung like a caveman — a trait highly sought after by the female of the species.

When you roll with a crew of heavy hitters, you don’t just party you partaaaaayyyyyyy. Episodes 1 and 2 focused on booze fueled social gatherings — Alex’s party, and Brandon’s bon fire respectively — and episode 3 is no different. This week the crew is taking to the high seas in Alex’s boat. I find myself immediately irked by Brandon’s use of the term beer pong to describe a game in which ping pong balls are thrown into a cup. This game is known as Beirut, and will always be known as Beirut because beer pong is played with a fucking paddle, and Beirut is called Beirut because the balls are bombing the cups, much like the bombs bursting in the city of Beirut. Aright, that’s it, it’s settled. And I don’t care if this is a petty thing for a 32-year-old man to care about; that shithead was wrong, everyone who calls it beer pong is wrong, and it is incumbent upon me to point that out.

My fury is soothed at the sight of Amanda’s plentiful posterior in a bikini. Eighteenth century British playwright William Congreve once wrote, “music hath charms to sooth the savage breast,” The Offspring reminded us that it could work on the savage BEAST as well, but it seems neither has laid eyes upon Amanda’s tush — a rump so soothing that an equally sized mound of Xanax could still not compete. She opens up to Alex about Chloe, and the boorish goon once again gives us a glimpse of his softer side; is the caveman really the caring man? Perhaps.

Garrett is making what we can call a good faith effort to hold onto Kelsey, but the wheels are quickly falling off the bus. Despite planting a very visible kiss on his beloved during the boat party, it’s becoming more and more apparent that this relationship is going to need a life preserver to keep from going under. Garrett is in over his head, and he’s beginning to realize it — a sentiment that’s put on display during a dog walk among the hanging moss with his lookalike younger brother.

Beyond his public display of affection, Garrett does little to shake his fast growing reputation as the crew’s cuck. From just feet away he watches as Alex gives Kelsey a hands on lesson in seamanship — and it’s beginning to appear that if he sets the right coordinates, our oceanfaring oaf my soon be giving her a lesson in semen-ship as well. For his part Garrett does confront Kelsey about her trampish boat behavior in a painfully uncomfortable conversation after a day of paddle boarding. From the looks of it though, it’s likely too little too late. The trust between Garrett and Kelsey has been broken beyond repair. Once that happens a cycle of growing anxiety and distrust ensues until it bursts into a supernova of booze, treachery, and a new lover’s steaming genitals. I’m not a man who likes to admit defeat, but Garrett’s only logical move in this situation is to make a tactical withdrawal, get back on Tindr, and spend the rest of the summer letting thrill seeking vacationers ride his manhood like a mechanical bull. Heartbreak is quickly healed by new pussy, it’s a lesson every man will someday learn, but the process is still a painful one. If anything about this mismatched, but asthetically pleasing pair infuriates me, it’s their use of the L-bomb after only 6 months of courtship. That just really isn’t normal, it’s actually completely fucking nuts. It took my woman and I over a year-and-a-half to use that word, and we actually do love each other. Get a life nerds.

With spurned lovers in mind, we’d be remiss if we didn’t give Madisson her due. Plain Jane has an interview with an engineering firm that she for some reason decides to bring MTV’s cameras to. It’s a bold strategy to bring a camera crew to an interview for a job that you are admittedly underqualified for. Still, after years of delighting in roadside wrecks on the Garden State Parkway I’m compelled to rubberneck and look on with a sort of shameful glee as she faces the blunt rejection that is so ubiquitous in the adult world. Welcome to the NFL rookie. A seasoned veteran might have made the cameras leave, and put her bow queen skills to use, unfortunately Madisoon is still wet behind the ears and it’s becoming painfully clear that she’s a long shot to make Alex’s gameday roster. She reflects on the interview during a stroll on the beach with her former beau, and he spills his guts about his scholarly short-comings, but even the blind can see that right now it’s just not meant to be — Alex Ahab has his sights set on a white whale.

Juliette has been conspicuously absent throughout much of the episode, and we later learn that she’s been lounging at home in a percoset fog after having a wisdom tooth pulled. With so many competitors vying for Alex, this is the wrong time for Juliette to be on the DL, but she seems far more concerned with patching things up between Chloe and Amanda — even offering to be mediator during a public reconciliation.

The sit down begins with Chloe grossing out the entire planet by crying as she reveals that she has an upset stomach. From Amanda we get the opposite side of the coin — an ice queen’s smile at the very mention of Chloe’s broken nose. The friends part ways after telling each other that they love each, though one can’t help but sense a more sinister motive on Amanda’s part. That suspicion is confirmed during a later meeting between Pauly Paul — who wears a gold bracelet around his hairy ass arm as though he’s some sort of a big shot, seriously dude, you used to cry yourself to sleep in juvie, you don’t get to act like a gangster badass, you give up that right the second you start crying in fucking juvie. Anyway, the wannabe middle-aged Persian man reveals to Chloe that Amanda has engaged in intercourse with Alex — a piece of information about which the Hungry Hungry Hippo is less than pleased.

And with that we are left dangling by our fingertips from the sandy cliff that is Siesta Key. Kelsey has clearly chummed the waters, and Alex is beginning to smell blood, if Garrett doesn’t do something soon he’ll be swimming off with the blonde haired beach babe clenched in his jaws. My heart hasn’t been shattered yet, but you better believe I’ll be investing in some Gorilla Glue in anticipation of putting the pieces back together after episode 4.

Line Of The Episode:

“I know you don’t know Alex very well, but he’s definitely known in this town as a player.”

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Song Of The Episode:

Little Mix – Power

 

 

Siesta Key Recap: With Friends Like These…

“…the summer had just begun in Siesta Key and there was already so much drama…”

They say Helen of Troy had a face that could launch a thousand ships, well apparently Brandon has a dick that could launch a thousand fists. When the bell rings to start episode two, we find out that Chloe has already caught a beating.

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As Chloe tells it; Amanda lost it in the Uber on the way home from Alex’s birthday party — the end result of the flurry of lefts and rights was a nasty broken nose, and 24 hours after the alleged assault Amanda has yet to reach out to her best frienemy to offer an apology. To take Chloe’s story at face value might be a mistake. She finds herself on the receiving end of a stern talking to from former juvenile delinquent Pauly Paul. Throughout the lecture, the fuckboy douche recalls his time in ‘juvie’ complete with nights crying himself to sleep in his cell — presumably with grape jelly and man ass on his breath.

While she insists the fight was Amanda’s fault, Pauly seems to believe that Chloe’s anger issues may have played a role in kickstarting the cold-cocking. One does have to question Pauly Paul’s judgement though; when Chloe angrily declines an invitation to a party at Brandon’s house he insists that she attend — presumably to get intoxicated, in the vicinity of a large bon fire, alongside her volatile peer group, with whom her most recent encounter ended in an act of violence that required reconstructive surgery.

For her part, Amanda doesn’t appear too remorseful.

Juliette: “I just got a picture of Chloe with her face all fucked up.”

Amanda: “Ooops.”

Amanda’s flippant attitude towards Chloe’s facial fracture may stem from her claim that Chloe started the fight by shoving her and kicking her in the chest. Unlike the visibly vanquished Chloe, Amanda has little time to spare on the topic and turns her focus to her intensifying fling with Brandon, and a bikini contest that finds her standing in the winner’s circle — here the old adage is proven ‘to the victor go the spoils.’ It goes without saying that Amanda’s performance in the bikini contest proved to be a delight for those in attendance and those viewing at home. Her bad girl attitude is the perfect garnish to a body that could make a Brazzers producer’s dreams come true. That combo of ‘tude and tight ass butt cheeks makes it all the more confusing to see her so enamored with Brandon. The guy is just a total fuckin tool — I’m pretty sure I caught him wearing cuffed jean shorts in one scene, and if his ill advised wardrobe choices weren’t enough, he holds back on a perfectly good opportunity to bone Amanda while the two are hanging out on his dock…what a pussy.

Juliette is enjoying a tenuous victory in the battle for Alex’s affections. It remains unclear what women find so appealing about Alex. Money would be the obvious answer, but in a town as affluent as Siesta Key, that doesn’t seem to be enough to set him apart. His personality lacks any depth at all, and I was legitimately stunned to find out that he performed well enough on the LSATs to anticipate an acceptance to law school. Whatever the case may be Juliette has done her best to mark her territory, and wages a subtle propaganda war against Madison by diminishing and dismissing her rival any time her name is brought up — this is bitch craft at its finest.

Madison has turned out to be more than meets the eye. For some bizarre reason that never really gets flushed out, she has lunch with Kelsey. Seriously, who the fuck shoe horned that into the plot? Under what circumstances would two people who don’t really know each other, but kinda crossed paths on the periphery of the same social group, at some guy’s birthday party, decide to get lunch together? That doesn’t make sense…at all…I’m actually getting angry writing this, because it was such a stupid scene, I mean for fucks sake, I rarely even get together for lunch with my closest friends, people have shit to do, we don’t have time for leisurely lunches with casual acquaintances. Anyway, Madison may give Juliette more of a run for Alex’s nuts than I initially believed. During lunch with Kelsey she won’t shut up about Alex, and coyly remarks that the group finds a way of pulling you into their drama.

Truth be told it doesn’t so much seem that Madison is being pulled into the drama as she is diving in head first. She wakes Alex up with a call to grab coffee and take a trip back to her childhood home — the place where the pair presumably engaged in any number of awkward, fumbling teen sexual encounters. They don’t wind up consummating the morning, but Alex’s willingness to repeatedly see Madison behind Juliette’s back is evidence that he may be taking a trip down memory lane before the summer ends.

We’re reminded over and over again by narrators, the crew, and the plot that Alex swims in pussy, and over and over again, I must explain that this doesn’t make an ounce of fucking sense whatsoever. This motherfucker’s game is so shitty I’ve had to mention it twice in this blog, but for some bizarre reason it tends to work. Take this brilliant line that he drops on Kelsey as she pours him a beer, “you know what I like.” Of course she knows what you like fuckstick, she’s a bartender and you just ordered a beer, that’s how it works — you tell her what you like, she goes and gets it. Unless it’s Helen Keller slingin suds back there the bartender will know what you like because it is an inevitable conclusion to the drink ordering process. Shitty game aside, we’re led to believe that his flirtations with Kelsey are escalating.

I can’t be positive, but I don’t think Kelsey is into Alex. I can’t put my finger on why, but it just seems like she doesn’t take him seriously. Don’t get me wrong, she’s totally loaded for bear, and I’m sure the right guy could cuck Garrett all over the field, but I don’t think it will be Alex. For as beefy as Garrett looks, he’s actually got some incredibly beta tendencies to use the parlance of internet pick up artist forums. His picnic dinner for the couple’s 6 month anniversary falls incredibly flat. It was a valiant effort, but pepperoni, American cheese, and crackers paired with bottles of wine that you can’t open because you forgot the opener isn’t exactly a panty soaking menu. A girl next door type like Madison might appreciate the effort, but Kelsey modeled in Milan — fellas take note, AA curveballs won’t fool big league hitters. He follows it up with a bizarre gift choice; a jar filled with 365 things that he likes about Kelsey. I realize he’s a thoughtful guy, but this goes too far. It shows the kind of obsession that says, “I wanna wear your face as a mask while I drive your car around town with your body in the trunk.” So he gets an A for effort, but a D for execution, when you’re dating a girl with an Ivy League pussy that kind of GPA will get you put on the waitlist real quick.

As sun sets on the second installment of Siesta Key, the crew has a bonfire at Brandon’s house. Both Madison and Juliette are in attendance which adds a palpable level of discomfort to the evening’s proceedings. It’s a pot Kelsey is happy to stir, as she asks Alex, “So if you had to give a smore to one girl tonight, who would it be?” It’s likely to be a question we’re left asking ad nauseum this summer, to a mixed bag of replies. Tonight, however, the honor is Madison’s (do you Alex, but if I had my druthers I’d much rather melt the ole marshmallow on Amanda, especially after the display she put on in the bikini contest). The thrill of her prize is short-lived unfortunately, as Alex regales party guests with tales of Madison’s oral prowess. Was it a subtle warning to Juliette that she needs to step up her game, a message to Madison that Alex has her on his radar, or just a bit of boozed up bravado? Smart money says the answer is ‘C’, but a sprinkling of ‘A’ and ‘B’ wouldn’t be outside the realm of possibility.

The bonfire may be a pile of smoldering ashes now, but summer in Siesta Key is just starting to heat up. Stay tuned, and watch your back because right now in The Key, you can’t trust anybody.

Line Of The Episode

“So if you had to give a smore to one girl tonight, who would it be?”

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Song Of The Episode

Nova Rockafeller – Problem

Siesta Key Recap: Summer Love, Douche Bags, And Duffers

“…the island is small, and our crew is tight. The kids here are wild, there’s a lot of money, and even more drama…”

Happy summer boys and girls, and welcome to Siesta Key. We’re already a little behind, as the season has hit episode three, so it’s time to play catch-up.

Siesta Key cast

Credit: MTV

Siesta Key revolves around the booze fueled shenanigans of Alex — who may be retarded — and his attractive, but curiously kinda ugly friends. Somehow Alex has managed to establish himself as the alpha male of this group, and I’m really not sure how. What he lacks in charisma, he makes up for with his father’s money, but the buck pretty much stops there. By the time he pulled up in his boat at the Sneaky Tiki and ordered a ‘vodka red bull’ I was ready to bash his face in with an anchor — he really is too fucking dumb to even function and I cannot stand people who call it a vodka red bull. Just call it a red bull and vodka like everybody else, what are you some kind of special party boy? “Yooooo bro vodka red bull is my drink…” Shut the fuck up! Anyway, I think everyone just kisses his ass because his parents have a sweet house and he throws bangers, make sense I guess, but still he can eat a dick.

We find out early in the episode that last summer Alex was involved a love triangle with Juliette and his ex-girlfriend Madison. My initial instinct is to feel bad for Madison. She seems to be one of the only characters in this show who isn’t a complete fuckwad, and may have some redeeming characteristics. She has a strong girl next door vibe about her, wanting nothing more than to date Alex and feel 16 again — like Taylor Swift, but not as cunty. Madison’s external innocence makes me worry that she’s going to get burned by Alex, but her back story seems to indicate that she totally cucked his current fling Juliette last summer, so she may be more adept at playing this game than I’m led to believe.

Juliette appears hell bent on marking her territory with Alex early on. They go on a date and share a kiss on the dock, before the cameras cut away to her and her friends trying on outfits for Alex’s birthday pool party. She settles on a tiny thong swimsuit that presents to the audience an ass you could dine on. It’s not the only prize posterior in the series, but at a minimum it should be enough to remind Alex not to stray too far. We don’t get too much of a look at what Madison brings to the table physically, but if Alex’s effort in episode 1 is any indication of what we’ll be seeing this summer in the key, then Madison better come correct.

If Siesta Key is supposed to be Laguna Beach meets Jersey Shore, then Alex and Chloe’s friendship will provide us with the pseudo deep conversations, and full of shit heartfelt moments that made Laguna legendary. Chloe is the fraulein at the front of the female pack on Siesta Key, and is Alex’s best friend — although they apparently have never hooked up. It’s somewhat disconcerting that she holds such high status within the group, because Chloe is a ‘last call 7’ on her best day, and is infatuated with millennial uber-douche Brandon.

We’re first introduced to Brandon at the tiki bar where he flirts with Chloe by giving her ‘sexy looks’ and asking her to tie a cherry stem with her tongue. It seems like an excessive amount of effort to bang a chick with such a glaring fat girl neck, and I soon want to bash him the face with the same anchor I’d have used on Alex. But my true contempt for Brandon surfaces when he goes to lunch with his mother. After talking about his hip haircut — he loosely resembles Spanish from Old School — he interrupts the conversation to photograph his appetizer. The subject then turns to his love life (as an aside, it really weirds me out when people discuss their relationships with their parents…seriously, who the fuck does that, “hey mom, I met a girl who I’d really like to stick my erect penis inside, let me tell ya all about her…” get fucked bro, seriously). Early indications hinted at a summertime fling with Chloe, but we learn at lunch that he’s also been talking to Amanda who possess what can only be described as an exquisite ass. We don’t get much insight into Amanda’s personality, but she competes in bikini contests and really looks like she knows her way around a set of testicles. Chloe is gonna have her work cut out for her if she wants to compete for Brandon’s affections, however worthless those may be.

Teaming up with Chloe behind the tiki bar is newcomer Kelsey. Kelsey is a certified dime. She models internationally, and has just moved back to Siesta Key to take care of her mother who suffers from MS. While hanging out on the beach with her absolutely shredded boyfriend Garrett, Kelsey announces her plans to “meet people, and venture out,” this summer. If that doesn’t leave Garrett shaken, her excitement and eagerness to be accepted by Alex, Chloe and company should. Not long after the couple enter Alex’s pool party, she leaves him by himself to mingle awkwardly with former classmates that he never truly bonded with back in the day. It could forshadow bad things to come for the cover model couple. Frank Sinatra once said, “A lady never leaves her escort, it isn’t fair, it isn’t nice, a lady never wanders all over the room, and blows on some other guy’s dice…” If Garrett isn’t careful his lady will be blowing on a lot more than dice. Kelsey’s looks also appear to pose a threat to Juliette at the party who reaches across Alex for an introduction and stumbles through a disingenuous compliment of the new girl’s swimsuit.

For as ripped as Garrett is, keeping Kelsey’s attention will be a tall order. She’s been immersed in a world of spoiled douche bags with enough free time to match their disposable income. Garrett’s a nice guy, and very hard working, but his reassurance that Kelsey’s summer gig at the tiki bar, and plans to party with the crew are “a great idea” betray a naivete that could come back to bite him in the ass. Beta characteristics aside he’s also the only dude on the show who isn’t a complete douche nozzle, and for that reason I am rooting for him.

I’ve already expressed my desire to see physical harm come to two members of the cast, and you can add Pauly Paul to the list. I don’t know if it’s his backwards leather cap, I don’t know if it’s his dad bod, I don’t know if it’s his general personality, I don’t know what it is, but something makes me want to shoot this guy in the nads with a paintball gun. If that wasn’t enough, then his rap performance at Alex’s birthday party should be plenty to convince viewers that Pauly Paul is every bit the fuckboy.

With the conclusion of Alex’s party comes the conclusion of episode 1. Our heroes drive off into the night, with battle lines for summer love and summer drama drawn firmly in the sand and a text message from Chloe to Alex setting the tone for things to come. It’s gonna be a wild summer in Siesta Key boys and girls so hold onto your hats…and your hearts.

Line Of The Episode

“…Kelsey and Garrett looked like the perfect couple, but nothing is ever as perfect as it seems…”

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Song Of The Episode

Carly Rae Jepsen – Cut To The Feeling